All Roads Lead Back to You
by amg06113
Summary: After ten years Tara returns to her home town, but she has some secrets. How will Jax handle her being back? Can some roads always lead you back home? Kurt Sutter owns the rights to all things SOA, I merely wish to create a story around his characters. Rated M, for a reason.
1. Clarity

Clarity

**_Hot dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life. If I fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time. Hold still right before we crash cause we both know how this ends. A clock ticks 'till it breaks your glass and I drown in you again._**

They say you can't go home again. That statement has never been more true, or untrue than at this moment in time. Here I was heading towards the place I had once called home. Running, was more like it. Once I reached the city limits, crossing in from Lodi, I saw the signature Redwood sign welcoming me to Charming, California. The population sign read 14,679, that was about to change. I pulled off to the side of the road and closed my eyes, and it all came rushing back.

"Are you trying to make me choose? You can't be serious right now, you can't be! You know what, if you hate it here so much just go. Fucking go and never come back!" I could hear his voice, like he was sitting next to me. My heart had broken in that moment. The look in Jackson Teller's eyes told me all that I needed, his eyes were clear windows to his soul. They never lied. Cold as ice, those blue eyes flashed rage and hatred. So without further word I turned and walked out, I didn't look back there was no point.

**_'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need. Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why. If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?_**

I opened my eyes, took a shaking breath and pulled back onto the road that lead home. It had been ten years, and driving down the familiar road it was clear that nothing had changed but deep down I knew everything had. The town was 22.8 square miles, and at every turn there was a memory. I could see the moments that had happened throughout my entire youth. I could see the three of us sitting outside the Sweet Shoppe splitting the candy we had bought, coffee shop where I got a part time job when I turned 16, the Hairy Dog where my alcoholic father drank his days and nights away. My heart sped up as I got closer to the large building that was a huge part of my life back then. I held my breath and willed myself not to look as I drove by it. Thankfully the car I was driving was not one that would be recognized. But as the fates would have it, the light turned red and there were 3 cars in front of me. It was the longest red light of my life. I kept my eyes straight ahead, I had to. If I turned I knew he would be there. I could feel it. I could sense those eyes on me. When the light turned I released the breath I didn't realize I had been holding. I wasn't ready to face Jackson Teller, I knew I would have to and soon.

**_If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?_**

I pulled into the driveway, there was no turning back now. It took all of 30 seconds for the neighborhood watch to spot that there was an unfamiliar vehicle at my dad's house. It had been empty for some time, I couldn't bring myself to sell it when he had died. And now I had cause to return, and more memories came flooding back as I sat parked in the driveway. The two of us sitting on the stoop waiting for Opie to join us, the first time I rode on the back of his bike, so many chaste kisses goodbye at the door when he would drop me off. I shook my head to clear out the images. It was at that moment that the tap came, I turned and saw one of the few people I genuinely was happy to see.

Piney Winston had been there to help in his subtle way, he took me under his wing when it was clear that my father would rather relinquish his rights to parent me and take up caring for the bottle. He was more a father figure to me in those pivotal years. And here he was to greet me on my return home. I opened the car door and stepped out and right into his arms. He bear hugged me, not saying anything right away. I could smell auto grease, cigarettes, and Irish whiskey, all things Piney.

"God I missed you old man." I whispered. He released me, held me at an arm's length to examine me. He'd done it so many times in the past, always looking to make sure that I was healthy, and safe. It made coming back seem like the right choice after all.

"Hey girl. What the hell took you so long?" His gruff voice was almost musical, and then his eyes looked past me to the car, and contents in the back seat.

"Well, that would do it." All I could do was nod my head. "Let's get you inside, I guarantee if I know you are back, it won't take long for the rest of this god forsaken town to catch wind of it." He opened the door saying "I don't know about you kid, but I'm starving, you up for a burger and shake?"

I laughed "You are always hungry old man. "

He didn't bother turning back to me when he responded, " I wasn't taking to you Tara, I was talking to her. Your mama might be one of my old favorites, but she really can be a pain in the ass. How you doin' kiddo? It's been a while, my name is Piney, I knew your mom when she was a kid, and your grandparents, among others." I didn't have much with me, just a couple of bags in the trunk, I asked him to hang by the car while I ran them inside. I knew there were more memories inside, but I thought if I dropped the bags and took Piney up on his offer it would give me some time to accept things. I stepped in the front door and it was like being hit by a wrecking ball. I felt the draw, to walk through the house and live in the memories, but I stopped myself. I set the bags down in the living room, and stepped back out, watching Piney telling my girl all kinds of stories. It had been barely two minutes but they clearly had won each other over. I smiled for what felt like the first time, in a long time.

I drove us to Lumpy's, it was one of the mom and pop locales that remained, Piney told me on the way over that Lumpy had passed the business over to his kids to run. As we walked into the diner it was like I was a teenager again. Everything was the same, from the decor to the waitress behind the counter.

"Well look what the cat dragged in. Grab a seat, I'll be right with you sweetie." Sarah the 60 something waitress called out while pouring coffee to a customer at the counter. We headed to a booth, Piney sat across from me, pushing his oxygen tube into his nose he took a deep breath.

"Alright girl, start talking." For the first time, I actually did. It all came out, with only a few pauses to order our food. Piney listened, and Sarah brought dessert, "The usual, on me. It is nice to see you again Tara. And bring this beauty with you again. I could use some of this art work to hang around here."

She set down a slice of apple pie in front of Piney, and a chocolate shake at me, and a hot fudge sundae. She picked up the place mat and looked at it, then smiled and in that small town gossip hub style asked "You gonna sign this for me, all the greats sign their work so people know the best when they see it." I knew it was an attempt to find out who exactly this child was with me, if she was doing the math like so many would be she didn't have to try too hard to come to a conclusion. But I had raised the best of the two of us, and she caught on fast and just scribbled JGT and smiled up at the waitress. The roar of motorcycles could be heard from a half a mile away, I felt myself tense up.

Please, oh please not yet. I prayed. I wasn't ready, not yet. Piney paid the bill and winked at Sarah as we slid out of the booth and we saw her taping up the sketch by the cash register. It was a simple pencil sketch of the street and shops from the window of our booth. "Come on Tara, time to get you and Jac, home. Hey kiddo you need to make me some drawings. Think you could draw a decent motorcycle?" She smiled a million watt grin up at him. It was Jax's smile. I might have had to leave him behind, but every day I get to see all the best of him in her.

**_Walk on through a red parade and refuse to make amends. It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense. Don't speak as I try to leave 'cause we both know what we'll choose. If you pull and I push too deep then I'll fall right back to you._**

We walked out of Lumpy's, and I used the remote to unlock the car, Piney walked around to the passenger side and started to get into the car and the roar called out in the night air again. He looked up as it got louder, my heart pounding my ears. I opened the back door and shuffled Jac in. The sound got closer, the voice in my head was cursing. And then it became an idling sound, cutting off behind me allowing me to hear the voice of its owner.

"Hey pop, what are you doing here?" The sound of Opie's voice had me frozen. Where Opie was Jackson Teller was sure to be close by. They had been practically inseparable since birth. For the moment it was just Opie. "Oh just having dinner with an old friend, ain't that right?" He was going to force me to face things, clearly Opie hadn't recognized me yet. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and turned to face my old friend. "Yup. Just catchin' up on lost time." The expression on Opie's face went from confused, to happy to concerned in a flash of seconds.

"What the hell are you doing here? Wait sorry that didn't come out right. Shit, Tara. When did you get back?" I was instantly in another Winston hug. He lifted me a good three feet in the air with his hug. He set me down and with a huge grin began drilling me with questions. "Are you passing through? Staying at your dad's place? When the hell did you get here, and why the fuck is this crazy old bastard the first to see you?" I had placed myself in front of the window of the car once he set me down. It wasn't the time, and I knew the moment he got the chance he would be on the phone to Jax.

"Not really sure to be honest. Trying to work some stuff out. Figured this was a good enough place to do it." I gave him the truth, vague but still the truth. Piney stood with the door open, knowing more now because of our discussion, or rather my confessions and like the father figure he was spoke up "She'll be around. You can grill her another time. I'm tired and need to get home before I fall over in Lumpy's parking lot. Come on Tara get us home before the rest of SAMCRO ends up here to play catch up."

Opie nodded, and I gave a half hearted smile. "You should come by the house some time while you are in town, Donna would be happy to see you. She misses you. We all do." He spoke getting back on his bike. He started the engine and I agreed to give them a call and stop by while I was in town. I moved to get in the car and he looked up as he began to back the bike up. The recognition of what he had seen clear. I got in and started the car, he pulled away rushing off in the direction that I was sure lead to his best friend. It was a five minute drive, and I was sure that by the time I got Piney home there would be a blonde fury waiting for me. I was relieved when I pulled in to the driveway and found it clear. Piney climbed out and began walking across the yard to his home. "I'll see you in the morning. Get some sleep. You are going to need it." He spoke as he went. I sighed knowing he was right. I turned and looked at my daughter, our daughter, it made sense at the time to come back here. I only hope it was the right choice.

**_Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need. Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why. If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?_**

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**_Each chapter is based on a song, a sort of Jax and Tara playlist. Please review. _**


	2. You are my sunshine

**You Are My Sunshine**

**_The other night dear, as I lay sleeping. I dreamed I held you in my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken. So I hung my head and I cried. _**

I stood in the shadow of the tree, I hadn't done this in ten years. But here I was, I had to see for myself. Op's call had been so confusing. He stammered on about Tara with his dad, being back, and then there was something that didn't make sense. Something about a kid. I had been home, so that put me a couple of blocks from Tara's old house. I walked while on the phone with him, sensing that if I came on my bike she would run. And I had to see for myself, make sense of things before that happened. I stood and watched as she opened the back down of the car, and a kid climbed out. I couldn't tell much from where I was, all I could see was blonde hair, a girl, maybe 8 or 9 years old.

**_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I miss you. Please don't take my sunshine away. _**

Tara turned and said something, the girl laughed, it was Tara's laugh . Then my heart stopped with what she said next " Jac Teller you are going to be in so much trouble." The sound of it took me back to when we were kids and she would scold me, try and keep Op and I in line she would say the same thing "Jax Teller"...when I was in serious trouble with her it was always Jackson. It had to be me hearing things, being in this place, seeing her after all this time. Wanting so badly for her to be talking to me. My mind had to be messing with me. I watched them go into the house.

**_I'll always love you and make you happy, If you will only say the same. But if you leave me to love another, You'll regret it all some day. _**

I was so preoccupied that I didn't notice Piney approach me. "You know, it is creepier now that you are an adult standing there, way more than when you were a kid. And if she catches you there, it isn't going to go well. You aren't teenagers anymore. And you two have a shit load to talk about. Make sure Jackson, that you listen when she talks. There is a reason she is back here. Don't fuck it up and send her running. I mean it, so help me I will haunt you for the rest of your days if that little girl disappears again. Both of them." Without a chance for me to say anything he turned to walk away. But before he got too far I did manage to ask "How long have you known?" Piney stopped hesitated before he turned and looked back at me "Since she had the fight with her old man, you know after she had celebrated getting the scholarship to that school right here in the middle of the yard, it was supposed to cover school and housing. Oh wait you were with the future porn star, sorry. Guess she never got the chance to tell you. Since she was packed and gone the next day. Or do you mean about her coming back? Because that was about two hours ago."

**_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I miss you. Please don't take my sunshine away. _**

I looked back at the Knowles house. Ten years ago she had come to me, begging me to leave with her, that she had gotten into school and we could leave together, make a life without SAMCRO. I was shocked. My mom, the overbearing woman that she is had put doubt in my head days before. Knowing that sooner or later Tara would deciding on schools. I was prospecting, working to get into the club that I had dreamed about being a part of my entire life. She had big dreams, Op and I had always teased her about how she should become a doctor. Even calling her "Doc" when she helped patch one of us up, or proved herself to be leagues above us at school.

I thought back on that day. "Since I was five I have dreamed about being a part of this club, of wearing this kutte! It's simple. You don't belong here." And then Ima, a club hang around came walking out of the bathroom connected to the apartment. It didn't take Tara but half a second to know what was going on. She didn't speak, just nodded her head a me turned to walk out. She didn't look back, not when I called her name, not when Op tried to stop her, not even when Clay my step dad and a new club member from Ireland asked her what was going on. I drove her away, because I couldn't handle not living up to her dream. I never thought that she would be gone from Charming as quickly as she was.

**_You told me once, dear, you really loved me. And no one else could come between. But not you've left me and love another. You shattered all my dreams. _**

I crushed the cigarette I had been smoking before I turned and walked away. I had a lot of questions to address with Tara Knowles, but it would have to wait until morning. It felt like my world was going sideways, and I needed to go talk to someone who could help me sort out the questions banging around in my head.

**_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I miss you. Please don't take my sunshine away. _**

It took everything I had not to bang on her door at the first light of morning. Instead I sat on the stoop, waiting. Trying to figure out what I was going to say, trying for the life of me to figure out why I was even here. I heard movement, and then the click of the lock of the door. I turned to see the face of the kid from last night. "Mom. There's a guy sitting on the steps." It took Tara all of two seconds to appear at the door. I stood and turned to talk to her. Hoping to go inside to have whatever conversation we needed to have. After 10 years the fact that I was even here proved that something needed to be said. Tara on the other hand had different ideas. "Why are you here Jackson?" She asked, placing her body to block the door. She clearly wasn't going to greet me with open arms. "Mornin' Doc. I guess I should ask you the same question." I figured using the old nickname might ease the tension. "Well if you must know, I need to take care of dad's estate." She said matter of factly.

"You and I both know you could have done that over the phone. Isn't that how you handled the burial arrangements? Skeeter would have said something if you had come back for a funeral." I stuck my hands in my pockets, geez I sounded like a pussy who had been checking up on her all this time. But when her old man had passed away six months ago there hadn't been any funeral, no announcement in the paper, nothing. Everyone in Charming had heard that Rick Knowles had died, his liver couldn't handle all the abuse he had put it through after Tara's mom died.

"Yeah well that's because Skeeter, understood discretion, that and $100 bucks on the side to keep his mouth shut. Arrangements were done over the phone, and I stayed in Lodi for the weekend. He was the town drunk, who besides the well tipped bartenders at the Hair Dog were going to grieve him at any kind of memorial service. Surely not you Jackson." She gave me a pointed look this was not going the way I had planned in my head. It's true there was no love lost between Rick and I, he didn't want Tara dating one of the member of SAMCRO. Not that I could blame in looking back on things. Tara and I got hot and heavy fast once we were together, and it wasn't what he wanted for her. He and I had almost come to blows several times, when in a drunken rage he had raised a hand to Tara.

"And while I was in town then I interviewed for a position that my supervisor had recommended me for. I'm starting up at St. Thomas in the pediatrics department. Amongst other reasons, so here we are." She said it with pride.

"I guess the nickname really does suite you then. I always knew you'd make good on that." Suddenly I was proud for her. And then reality hit again, she said we, we as in her and another person in the form of that blonde child, but was there someone else that came along with that we. "So if I should ever need a Doc, who should I ask for?"

"Seriously Jackson, you really think you are going to need a pediatric surgeon?" She shook her head, "It's still Knowles, Jackson. Always has been." Did that mean no husband? Had she divorced? Where was the kid's dad? I had so many questions swimming in my head while I stood here taking her in, my Doc, was a surgeon. A pediatric surgeon. Wow. And looking at her I could see that she had grown up in more ways than just that. She had always been beautiful, but now, damn her curves had filled out more. I guess that came with having a kid. Damn.

"Um, mom. Aren't we meeting Piney for breakfast?" Trying to peer around the door way was proof that Tara had moved on after she had left. Jealousy spiked in me, even though she had said it was still Knowles, always had been Knowles, some lucky bastard had knocked her up. Someone had been with her in that intimate way. Damn, I know I wasn't innocent, I had tried to fill the void, but it had always been her. I hated that it clearly hadn't been the same for her.

"Yeah, we should get going. He'll come barking if we don't. "Tara replied. She tried to sound nonchalant. Almost as if on cue the old man came across the yard.

"Shit kid, don't tell me you've been out here all this time. I thought I sent you home hours ago?" Tara quirked an eye brow.

"Don't worry. I went and had a talk with my old man." I figured Piney would understand.

"So how is the old man?" He quipped back at me.

"Still dead." Piney was one of the rare few who understood that Clay might be married to my mother, but he would never be my dad.

"Yeah you know I hear that happens. Well ladies you ready? This old man needs to eat." Tara nodded and opened the door more, she picked up a bag slinging it over her.

"Come on kiddo, better get going." She said while still trying to shield something. The child, a girl stepped out, and I got a clear view. My heart stopped, she was the spitting image of Thomas, my little brother. It took me a moment, and looking at Tara I felt like a puzzle piece was put into place.

"Hey Doc, I think we need to have a talk." She looked down shuffling her feet while she closed the door.

"Yeah, I suppose we do. But not right now. Later. Um, if you are free. Stop by. I have some things to set up at the hospital. But I should be done around dinner time." It was about all I was going to get for now, but at least it was a start.

It was about an hour later, when Piney showed up at the clubhouse. "I need a favor."

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More to come...please review.


	3. Let Her Go

**Let Her Go**

**_Well you only need the light when it's burning low. Only miss the sun when it starts to snow. Only know you love her when you let her go. _**

I didn't know what exactly I should do with the kid. Piney caught that Tara was leaving the kid at the house alone, and insisted on making sure she was watched while Tara was at St. Thomas for the day. I had to work at the shop, so I just figured I would take her with me. Try and spend some time, getting to know her in an element that I would be more comfortable in. I was going to set her up in the office, but taking one look at all the pin ups plastered on the wall made me rethink that. My mom had no problem being around it, but I couldn't bring myself to subject the kid to it. Man I just couldn't get my head to wrap around it, Tara's kid, shit. She seemed to sense my hesitation at letting her in the office.

" Which bay is yours?" I had to take do a double take when she asked.

"Huh?" well that sounded like such an intelligent response.

"Is this your area? I saw you here when we arrived in town. Mom got stuck at the light, I'd heard enough of her stories to know what this place was, and who you were when I looked out the window." She walked over toward the custom bike I was working on for one of the weekend warriors from the richer side of town. I just nodded. Tara had talked about me, to her kid. I wonder what stories she had told. She dropped her backpack on the floor, and then sat right down on the concrete. "Just pretend I'm not here. I'm good at blending, I promise." She opened her bag and pulled out a pair of ear buds and iPod, and some kind of notebook. Making quick work of what seemed like dismissing me to do what she was content to do.

I shook my head, "Damn. Dismissed already."

**_Staring at the bottom of your glass. Hoping one day you'll make a dream last. But dreams come slow and they go so fast. You see her when you close your eyes. Maybe one day you'll understand why. Everything you touch, oh it dies_**.

Tig walked in to the garage and was looking at me just as perplexed as I was looking at the kid.

"Earth to Jax! What the hell are you doing?"

I shrugged, "Oh nothing just being put in my place by a kid." It was then that Tig noticed her sitting on the ground my tool box.

" Who the fuck is that?" great how the hell do I answer a question I don't really know the answer to.

"A new friend, her mom is taking care of some shit, asked me to keep an eye on the kid until she was done." It was the best I could come up with at the moment, without having to explain too much. But it was the snicker that I heard from the floor that told me that the kid was listening for my response, and I might have just given the wrong answer. The music began to get louder from the head phones, now I really had been dismissed.

Tig just looked from the small figure with its head down buried in the notebook to me. I tried to concentrate on the work I had to do. The bike was due to be complete by the end of the week, so long as no club business came up that would force me away from it. I found that I had become unaware of the kid after awhile. I guess she did blend, pretty well. It wasn't until I heard the singing that I realized she was still there. It took me by surprise, it was quiet, but clear. You couldn't help but hear it, even with the sounds of the shop trying to drown it out. I looked down to where she had been, but she was gone. Panic set in, where had she gone and how had I missed her going? I turned around scanning the garage.

"Outside dip shit. She's been sitting at the picnic table for about 30 minutes." Tig said without looking up. I looked to where he had said she was, sure enough she sat at the picnic table shaded by the club house awning. There was a plate of food, and a plastic cup in front of her. She was humming along to some song and looking at her not book pencil tapping along to the tune. "Some friend you are. The prospect got her lunch and set her up there. And maybe you better start thinking of what you are going to tell Gemma. You can't bullshit a bull shitter, kid. The moment she spots that kid she's gonna know, even if you aren't admitting it." When the hell had he become observant? I wiped my hands with the dirty rag from my pocket. Tig was right. I need to get some answers from at least one of these women before I had to explain things to Gemma or the guys. I walked over to where the kid was sitting. I could hear the song clearer, and I had to laugh. It was kind of fitting in a way.

"Staring at the ceiling in the dark. Same old empty feeling in your heart. 'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast. Well you see her when you fall asleep. But never to touch and never to keep. 'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep..."

As I got closer I caught a glimpse of the open notebook, or rather sketchbook. The page that I could see had pretty damn good drawing of the bike was working on. As I sat down I turned the book to get a better look. "You drew this?" She just shrugged.

"Yeah. So?" Ran my fingers over the page, it was amazing how real it looked. Almost like she had put a black and white photograph on the page.

"May I?" I hoped she would let me look at more of her work. She shrugged and turned her attention to the food in front of her. I flipped to the previous page, and sat in awe of what I saw. She had drawn me working on the bike. Completely lost in thought, focused on the task at hand. Further back there were landscape sketches, ones that looked like they were done looking out a car window. Still more, of places I didn't know. Then one of Tara, reading a book. God that was just how I remembered her, curled up on the couch some thick book tucked in her lap hand a posed in front of her mouth, her lower lip positioned between her thumb and forefinger. I turned again, and again until I came to one that stunned me, and left no doubt in my mind. It was a sketch of me, but it was based off a picture that the kid must have found. She didn't look up from her fries when she spoke.

"I found it, not really your most flattering picture. I tried focus more I who you were and not that you were being walked out of a police station in hand cuffs." Damn she didn't hold back.

" You sure you are only what like 8 or 9?" I asked.

"That's what my birth certificate says. Some days I have my doubts though." Where the hell did the kid get these smart ass answers?

**_Well you only need the light when it's burning low. Only miss the sun when it starts to snow. Only know you love her when you let her go. Only know you've been high when you're feeling low. Only hate the road when you're missing home. Only know you love her when you let her go. _**

"So what else does that birth certificate say?" I asked, I needed answers and Tara wasn't giving them willingly. So I figured the kid was the best way to get them. How does the saying go, 'out of the mouths of babes'? She quirked an eye brow at me. Shit.

"You want the full run down? I have it memorized." She said, almost like it was a test. So very much like Tara.

"Sure darlin'. I'm all ears." I tried to appear calm, but I don't know if I was ready for any of what she might tell me.

"Okay. I was a live birth." She began with the smart ass tone.

"Really? I would have never have guess that one." I said giving it back to her.

"Seriously, you didn't know I existed until a few hours ago, don't go there with me. And you were the one who asked what my birth certificate said. You want me to finish or not? "

Okay this round goes to the kid. "Continue."

She let out an exasperated sigh "As I was saying, live birth, at Stanford Hospital, it named my mom and my dad. I was four weeks early. Was there something specific you wanted to know?"

God damn she was good at answering as vaguely as possible. "I sense you don't really want to share the specifics. There a reason for that? "

"Yeah. It's easier to blend when people aren't aware of the specifics."

"What's with the need to blend in? You've mentioned it a couple of times. I have to admit darlin' it has my curiosity reeling."

"You need to talk to my mom about some of it. But we've had to move a few times because of him, it doesn't take a genius to learn that blending in means we get to stay somewhere longer. " She said matter of fact.

"Who's him?" It was how she said it, there was danger. And my protective instincts were on red alert.

"The guy who thought he was going to replace my dad. He didn't take it well when mom tried to end things with him. " She was back to playing with her food.

I couldn't resist, maybe she set me up and I took her bait, or maybe I knew but needed to hear it from her, so I asked "Where is your dad, kid?" She didn't answer me, just turned the notebook around flipped a couple of pages and then turned it back to me. "Right there. Anymore questions?" I ran my hand across my face. "Shit." I said it louder than I had meant to, the kid quirked her brow again.

She turned the book back toward her, closing it and then quietly said "I was born with it, you didn't ask about that, just thought you should know."

**_'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low. Only miss the sun when it starts to snow. Only know you love her when you let her go. Only know you've been high when you're feeling low. Only hate the road when you're missing home. Only know you love her when you let her go. _**

She pushed the food away, put the ear buds back in her ears and flipped a to a fresh page. "My mom will be here soon, you don't have to pretend to babysit me anymore. I know you have work to do. It's okay, I won't move from this spot until she gets here. And I won't talk to anyone. I'll blend like always." And with that I was dismissed again.

I walked slowly back to the garage. Tig was watching when I came back in, "So how'd it go?" I just shook my head. Tig laughed. I threw myself back into my work. Tara and I needed to talk.

**_And you let her go._**

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So do you want to know what she drew...read on to find out.


	4. Breakeven

**Breakeven**

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**Jax's take on things... and how their story began.**

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**_I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing. Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in. Cause I got time while she got freedom. Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even. _**

I watched the kid sit at the table while I pretended to work on the bike in front of me. I saw so much of Tara in her, but there was more. I caught a glimpse of it last night, and then again this morning. It scared the sit out of me. Piney hadn't come right out and said it, but the kid pretty much had. She had the family flaw. Her drawings were like looking at photos of my past. And when I asked about her dad, she showed me a sketch of an image I knew, one I designed. My drawing was much cruder, but I knew that ink, Tara's crow. But unlike most of the crows that the old ladies walked around with, Tara's had two words hidden in it. One was my name Jackson, the other was Sonuachar, the Gaelic equivalent of soul mate.

**_Her best days will be some of my worst. She finally met a man that's gonna put her first. While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping. Cause when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven. _**

You aren't supposed to find your soul mate when you are six. Shit like that takes life experience, it takes knowing yourself and a connection with another that transcends all else.

I had known the Knowles family my entire life. Piney and Mary lived next door to them, and since Op and I were always together that meant that she was always nearby. But somewhere around the time we all turned six I was pretty aware of Tara, sure we were friends but there was a pull of something more and it was strong.

**_What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you. And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're okay. I'm falling to pieces, yeah, I'm falling to pieces_**

"One day I'm gonna marry you." I told her. We were sitting at community event, some big charity thing my mom was in charge of to raise money for the schools in town. She just looked at me and said "Sure you will Jackson." I tugged on her pony tale and then went off to play with Opie.

When we were eight her mom became ill, cancer. Tara spent most of her time alone, because she didn't want anyone treating her like a charity case. I found her sitting looking at a book about the human body, "Hey doc, what are you doing?" I sat down next to her, and bumped her with my shoulder. She looked at me with that crocked eye brow that she always gave me. "Don't mock me Jackson. " Her eyes looked sad, lost and it killed me to see it. "Not mocking you at all darlin'. I totally can see you being a doctor one day. Look at how smart you are, smartest in the class. Not to mention, you are way better at mending up Op and I than my mom or Mary. You'll be a doc for sure one day. And then of course you still have to marry me. Don't forget that."

**_They say bad things happen for a reason. But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding. Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving. And when a heart breaks, no it don't break even._**

It was a year later when her mom died. She stayed strong because for her dad, a grown man who fell to pieces after losing the love of his life. And to be honest, it scared the shit out of me, and I was ten. She cried once, after the funeral, I was the only one around. She didn't even know I was there, not until I put my arm around her. She leaned into me and cried on my shoulder. We sat in silence like that for almost an hour. My dad found us. Just shook his head, knowing so much more than either of us did at the time.

Tragedy struck again, this time it was my family suffering. Thomas my little brother had become ill. "The family flaw" is what my mom called it. A genetic heart condition that was passed down from my mom's side. Both my brother and I were born with it, I just managed somehow to survive it. Tara found me sitting on the roof of the club house after the funeral. She didn't say a word, just sat down next to me and held my hand. I quietly cried knowing that with anyone else it would have looked like weakness. But with Tara, it was okay. Strength in showing my vulnerable side or some shit like that. She never said a word through it all, and when the tears finally ceased I whispered "Now I have to marry you doc. Who else is gets me like you do? Besides Opie. " I could almost hear her smile. "Okay." her simple one word response was my undoing. But that was the last of those moments. The next morning I began putting space between us.

**_What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you. And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're okay. I'm falling to pieces, yeah I'm fallinf to pieces. _**

I was still drawn to her, always feeling the need to protect her and more and more it seemed I needed to protect her from myself. I tried to spend less time with her, which was hard. She, Opie, and I had been inseparable for so long. But things changed when my dad died. It was time I start acting like a man and not a child. Clay and my mom didn't waste time pretending they weren't an item. Once JT was in the ground, Clay was taking his place everywhere including my home. It made me angry. I lashed out at those closest to me, sadly Tara took the brunt of it.

"We aren't even friends! The only reason Opie and I let you hang around is because his dad feels sorry for you and makes us." I barked at her one afternoon, it was after I had found Clay sitting in my father's chair at the table waiting for me so he and Gemma could tell me they were getting married.

"I'm sorry about whatever is going on Jackson. I'll be around if you ever need to talk." She whispered squeezing my hand before she got up. "Family takes care of each other. "

"We aren't your family, Tara. We aren't even friends. Go away. Just go away!" I was yelling, rage coursing through me. She didn't yell back, she just nodded her head as the tears began to fill in her eyes. I saw them, and my heart clenched but all I could think of was how her father had gotten lost in the bottle and my mom was lost in Clay. I wouldn't be like them. No way.

**_Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain. You took your suitcase, I took the blame. Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains, ooh. Cause you left me with no love, and no love to my name. _**

By the time we were starting high school you would have never known that we had been best friends at one time. Though if anyone messed with her, I was always quick to retaliate on her behalf. The badass biker's kid, a second generation SAMCRO in the making, people knew not to cross me from the get go. She was protected, even if she didn't know it. I would see her in class and in the hallway, and suddenly the separation I had forced made her more appealing to me. She ignored me, when other girls threw themselves at me. She didn't laugh at my jokes, she didn't bend at my will, she was cold to me and it made it a challenge. Four years I spent pushing her away, and now I was like a moth to a flame.

Charming was small enough that Tara and I were bound to be in at least one or two classes together. I hadn't banked on having six of my eight with her freshman year. And when I found out that first day of school I could have dealt with it one of two ways, as a curse or a blessing. But me being the prick that I was at the time, I cursed the blessing.

I paraded myself in front of her with all the hang arounds, crow eater wanna be girls who had big dreams of becoming an old lady one day. I wanted to make her jealous, I wanted a reaction. I wanted to know that even though I had pushed her away she still cared. She never batted an eyelash. Opie laughed at me.

She still hung out with him, when I wasn't around. Always leaving when I showed up at his house. "Later Opie." she would say when I approached. I rarely gave her more than "S'up Doc?" as she passed by. On good days I might get a response of her saying my name. Opie and I would go about doing whatever shit we did back then and nothing would be said about it. Though he sometimes gave me that look. That said he knew I wanted to ask about her.

By the time we were starting the summer before sophomore year I couldn't resist any more. "What the hell do the two of you talk about? I mean okay she is friends with Donna, and you are all about trying to tap that. But what the hell?" I had clearly interrupted some deep discussion that morning, they had been sitting on her porch steps when I approached. Opie and I were spending our days repairing what would be our first Harleys. Clay said it would make it more meaningful to ride knowing that we had a hand in making them run instead of just having them handed to us when we were finally 16 and could get a license. We were elbow deep in parts and grease and it had been bugging me for hours.

Opie looked at me and shook his head. "She's my friend. I won't turn my back on her just because shit has happened." That was all the explanation I got from him. He mocked me for sounding like a girl trying to find out if they had been talking about me.

Later that summer Opie and I crashed David Hale's football team bon fire party. It was out in the middle of property his dad owned. Opie had heard about it from Tara, she and her friend Donna were both going to be there, since Hale had invited her. I sat for over an hour staring across that fire at her. She sat with Hale, laughing at his jokes and hanging on every word of his football stories. She looked at me briefly, barely making eye contact. I kept downing the beers that Opie and I had brought, he was working on putting all the moves he had on Donna who was showing no path of resistance.

After a while she got up, never looking at me and disappeared. I scanned the crowd, looking around for her. There weren't that many people here, she had to still be around. I stood, a little wobbly and told Op I would be right back. I headed toward the tree line that had been behind me. I needed to clear my head, and my bladder. I walked a short ways into the trees. Far enough that the sounds of the party were muffled.

"Looking for me?" The sound of her voice scared the hell out of me in the dark. I couldn't pin point where she was exactly. I turned in a circle almost falling over, and she laughed. Pushing off from the tree she had been leaning against she caught my arm. "Whoa there Jackson. I think you are cut off for the night."

"Who the hell are you to tell me when I have had enough? We aren't even friends!" I huffed at her.

"Fine, I'll leave you to what you were doing then. Just figured you had been staring at me long enough tonight that maybe you had something to say to me. My mistake." She let me go and turned to walk away, and has she did her hand grazed mine. The current that surged up from my finger tips was unlike anything I had felt with anyone else. On their own accord my fingers reached out, grabbing her by the wrist.

"Wait. Don't." I wanted to say don't leave me, I couldn't get words out. I didn't know what to say to her, how to even talk to the girl that had at one time been the only one who understood me. Did she still? She stopped, looked at my hand wrapped around her wrist then up at my face. She stepped closer to me, looking at me like she hadn't in years. Her hand came to my face, I flinched thinking she was going to slap me for grabbing her. Instead she brought her hand to my cheek, and her thumb wiped away moisture from my eye. I didn't even realize that I had allowed a tear to escape. How the hell did this girl have this effect on me?

"I'm still here Jackson. I never left you." She whispered, her lips close to my ear. Then she kissed my cheek. The blood rushed from my head, and before I could process what I was doing I released her wrist and buried my hands in her hair, pulling her face, her lips to me. It was like I had been lost all those years and now had found myself in that kiss.

"I still plan on marrying you one day." I whispered when I allowed us to come up for air.

She shook her head "Oh Jackson. What am I going to do with you?"

**_I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing. Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in. Cause I got time while she got freedom. Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even._**


	5. Safe and Sound

**_Safe and Sound_**

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Thank you for the reviews! They spurred me on to get this chapter done and up. I will try to stay as in sync as I can with the characters and what happened on the show. But clearly I have thrown in my own plot twist, or it wouldn't be my story. Enjoy!

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**_I remember tears streaming down your face. When I said, I'll never let you go. When all those shadows almost killed your light. I remember you said, Don't leave me here alone. But all that's dead and gone and past tonight._**

I had managed to get some serious work done on the Heritage Soft tail classic, hopefully I would have in done by the morning. The kid had drawn the whole time.

Half sack the prospect had come back with a towed Beemer. There was a deer sticking out of the windshield. "Some days, you're the Beemer. Some days, you're the goddamn deer." Today I was feeling a lot like the deer.

Chibs our token Irishman was commenting on how the rich bastard who owned the car had hit the deer out in the middle of the streams area of town. I snickered and came a comment back about the guy getting head from the deer because of where in the windshield it was. Then I realized the kid was still around.

"How the hell do you want me to get it out of there?" Half sack said as Chibs laughed and I retrieved a small chain saw for him. This was not going to be pleasant. I was glad the kid was not in a spot where she could see the whole bloody mess. And then I thanked the powers that be because Gemma, thank god had not stopped by, but I should have known better than to let my guard down with that. My cell rang, I looked at the caller id before answering. "Yeah ma?" I answered, she was fuckin' psychic some days I swear.

**_Just close your eyes. The sun is going down. You'll be alright. No one can hurt you now. Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound. _**

"Jackson, we have a problem. Wendy's in the hospital. You better get down here now. " My mom laid it out for me in her calm, frank, in charge tone. She hung up before I could say anything, making it clear that I needed to drop what I was doing and get to St. Thomas.

"Come on kid, you need to come with me. Hopefully your mom is done and won't be pissed about you being with me." I said wiping my hands on the rag from my pocket. Wendy was my junkie ex. I filed the paper work almost a year ago. She had been one of the distractions from my ever constant need to find what I had lost when Tara bailed ten years ago. I pulled my kutte on and grabbed the keys to one of the tow trucks.

"Hey Tig, I have to head to St. Thomas, something is up with Wendy. I'm taking the kid with me, if her mom comes looking for her here." She was hopping in the cab of the truck when Tig called out.

"So if some random chick shows up looking for a kid, is there a name that I should know as proof that it is the right one?" I realized that I had called her kid or darlin' the whole time and hadn't bothered with getting her name. Neither she nor Piney hadn't bothered telling me her name. I looked at her and there was that eyebrow cock again, shit it was like looking in a damn mirror.

"Grace-Thomas." She said simply, I sensed that there was more to it, but it was enough for Tig.

"Okay, see you around Grace Thomas. Hey, Jax, call if you need anything. " He said as I closed the door. I hauled it out of the lot. I turned to look at the kid, mulling over the name. Grace Thomas, but I had heard Tara call the kid Jac last night.

"What's your whole name darlin'? I'm not as dumb as Tig, you clearly left something out. " I gave a sideways glance. She turned to look at me, I knew I was right about this. But she was clearly preparing one of her witty remarks. So like Tara, keeping on my toes.

"My whole name? You sure you are ready for that? You didn't take things so well regarding who my dad was." Shit.

"Yeah, lay it on me darlin'. I'd like to know what I should have referred to you all day as. Not to mention, my mom is going to be at the hospital when we get there. And she is way more observant that those guys at the shop and clubhouse. She's gonna take one look at you and know something is up. I better have a name to introduce you as should she lay eyes on you before your mom and I get a chance to talk." I kept my eyes on the road, and gripped the steering wheel bracing myself for what I knew was coming.

"Jackson Grace-Thomas Teller. My friends call me Grace, and my mom calls me Jac." She said it with the shit eating grin only a kid who knew all the secrets that adults didn't want them to know had. Shit. Oh this was so not good.

"Nice to meet you darlin'. I'm Jackson Nathaniel Teller." I was in so much shit if anyone else got wind of this before Tara and I talked. Several minutes went by in silence, but I felt the need to ask another question. "By the way, why did you leave out your first and last name when you said it to Tig?" I was curious.

"I told you, my mom told me all her stories. I had an idea about who he was. I'm 9, but I'm not stupid." She said as we pulled into the parking lot at St. Thomas. Damn, this kid was going to be the death of me. How the hell had Tara done all this on her own? I had barely spent a day with her and my head was reeling.

" Okay, Grace, brace yourself. I don't know what the hell is going on but if Gemma is here, she's probably going to pounce once she sees you." I knew that shit for a fact. But what I wasn't prepared for was what actually happened once the kid and I entered the hospital and located my crazy ass mother.

**_Don't you dare look out your window darling. Everything's on fire. The war outside our door keeps raging on. Hold on to this lullaby. Even when the music's gone. _**

"Jax! Oh Jackson, it's bad. Did you know? Oh damn it, you couldn't have known right? You would have told me. " Gemma was in full-blown panic mode. Something bad was going on.

"Ma, what the hell is going on? Why is Wendy here, and why did you call me?" The junkie ex and I had been split for good for about 8 months or so, I filed and she cleaned herself up trying to reconcile and make it work. We had one last night and that was it. I told her things hadn't changed, that I wasn't going to watch her go down that junkie road. I had to keep my head clear and be there for SAMCRO, Clay had made me VP and I wasn't going to fuck that up.

"Jackson, did you know?" Gemma said again. More urgent. And then I saw what the problem was. Standing at Wendy's bedside was none other than Tara. All done up in her doc garb, looking like she was going to kick someone's ass. I had to admit it was a bit hot.

"Jackson. Wendy OD'ed, I got a call as her next of kin. Why the hell would they do that? I got here and found the prodigal doctor preparing her for an emergency C-section. Jackson, I'm going to ask you again. Did you know?" Gemma was in my face, and I was processing what she was saying. Wendy overdosed, and needed an emergency C-section. Tara was a baby doctor, C-section? Wendy was pregnant? Oh shit, this could not be happening to me. I put my hand on the wall to brace myself.

"Mr. Teller, Ms. Case was brought in by ambulance, her hands and feet were full of tracks. The toxicology reports aren't back yet, but it's most likely crank. She was about 7 months along, because of this we had to do an emergency delivery in hopes of saving the baby. He's about 10 weeks premature. He's got a congenital heart defect and gastroschisis, a tear in the abdomen. The gastro and the early birth are from the drugs. But the CHD is..." Tara was in full Doc mode. I was trying to take it all in. Wendy never told me. What the hell was with the women in my life leaving out the fact they were pregnant with my child?

"The family flaw." Gemma let out a sigh, there was no doubt about it. It had been passed down from her side of the family, she had it, I had it, my brother died from it, and now both of my kids had it. Shit. I had two kids. Shit.

"Yes, it's genetic. Either one would be serious, but not life threatening. However, the two of them together...Dr. Namid gives him a 20 percent chance, and I'm afraid that's being optimistic." I saw her eyes shift behind me. I was trying to process the fact that Wendy had been pregnant, and that I was a father when I realized, the kid was probably nearby and Tara had spotted her.

"She never wanted to talk to me. I didn't know." Shit, how could I have let this happen. Would he be able to survive this? Grace had survived it and I didn't know about her. I had survived it. He had to be able, he had to be, able. Able. Please let him be able.

"Her OB said she missed her last three appointments. I think it is fair to say no one knew. Dr. Namid wants to fix his belly first. Then if he stabilizes, he'll go in and try to repair the heart. I'm sorry, Jax. I can take you to see him now." She began walking, directing us away from Wendy.

"Tara, you don't have to do this. I'm sure you got other patients." Shit what a welcome to the job. I would have to ask how she went from paper work bullshit on the first day to this.

"Jax, really. I'm a pediatric surgeon. As soon as she came in I asked Dr. Namid if I could assist. I want to help your son." She gave me half a smile. Please let her be able to help him. Let him be able to survive. Just let him be able.

"Hey, Doc, his name is Abel." I said with a sigh running my hand across my face. Gemma came up next to me and looped her arm in mine.

**_Just close your eyes. The sun's going down. You'll be alright. No one can hurt you now. Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound. _**

"That's a good name, Jackson. I'll show you where he is and keep you updated on things." She turned and lead us to the NICU area so I could look at this tiny thing hooked up, his life depending on all the tubes connected to him.

"Jax, the guys are all here." I just nodded. I didn't want to see any of them just yet. "Did you know she was back?" Shit. Here we go.

"I found out last night. Op ran into her after she had dinner with Piney. Let's not make anything of it please. I'm kind of dealing with the fact that my crazy junkie ex was apparently pregnant and didn't tell me." I snapped a bit at Gemma, but I mean could you blame me at this point? Tara was starting to walk away, and Gemma called out to her.

"Can we talk?" I couldn't believe I was about to witness a possible show down between my mother and Tara. The guys would have killed to be in my place. I kept an eye on them and one on my tiny son.

Tara stopped sighed and turned around, " Do you have a problem with me assisting on Abel's case, just say so. But I'll tell you this, I was there when he was delivered. I have assisted with more neonatal surgeries than you can imagine, I wouldn't have asked to assist if I didn't think I could be of help." She stood her ground. Good girl Tara.

"You a good doctor?" Gemma said sizing Tara up. We had all expected her to go into medicine, especially after her mom got sick. But I think Gemma needed to really hear it.

"Yes." Tara said it without hesitation. She was sure of herself and what she could do to help my child. She knew first hand, she had survived alone with our child.

"Then I don't have a problem." Gemma said, relaxing just a bit. They had a bit of a stare down.

"Look people change, I'm not the same girl I was 10 years ago." Tara huffed out, clearly she wanted to move past everything. But would Gemma let her? I just stood and watched. I knew better than to get in the middle of this shit.

"I am." That was going to be a no, Gemma had a long memory. She was just as hurt when Tara left as I was. Tara had been like a daughter to her. She loved her, and Tara leaving it was like a betrayal. Tara turned to walk away and Gemma grabbed her scrub top and lifted it. Tara shrieked in surprise and turned to pull it back down. She still had the tattoo, the crow, my tattoo, the mark to show the world she was my old lady. "'Guess there's some things you can't change, huh doc?"

"I leave it there so I remember all that shit's behind me. And what I had to do to get where I am." Tara spoke in a tone meant only for my mother, but I heard it. Did she mean it. Had she really moved past everything we were? But would she have told Grace about her time her in Charming, would she have come back if she really wanted to maintain that it was all behind her? I turned back to my small son, struggling to live.

" Forgot just how clever you could be." Gemma said as she walked back toward me. "Baby, come see the guys. They don't know what is going on, they need to hear about this from you. " I nodded.

"Yeah, why don't you head down to them. Give me one minute." I knew I needed to think before I said anything. And I needed to speak to the good doctor privately. Gemma agreed to meet me in a couple of minutes so that I could tell everyone what was going on. She left me, but I was only alone briefly. Before I knew it there was another figure reflected in the glass next to me.

"He's tiny. But I've seen smaller. I bet he is a survivor too." She kept her eyes on the toaster like contraption that was holding my son. I looked down at her. God how could she be so sure? As though she could hear my thoughts she said, "We survived it right? Why shouldn't he?"

"Jackson, what are you doing here?" Tara's voice came out panicked, it caused both the kid and I to turn and look in her direction. Clearly she wasn't talking to me. I looked down at the blonde that could have been my twin as a child, who looked so much like my little brother, it was clear that she was mine.

"She's reminding me that if the flaw didn't kill her or me than her brother should be able to survive it too." I said, looking at Tara, then at the kid and then back at the toaster. I caught Tara tense up. "We need to talk Doc, this isn't the time. But this conversation needs to happen." I looked down and put my hand on the blonde head next to me and pulled her close then bent down and kissed the top of her head. "Thanks darlin'. I'll see you again soon. Hey, do me a favor. Draw him for me, but without the tubes. Something I can put in my bay. Think you can do that?"

I got a 1000 watt smile from her, the first all day. " Hell yeah I can." She looked determined, then found a chair to sit down and pulled her book out. To get started.

"Oh and I want that one of the Soft tail you did earlier. Classic." Clearly she needed to hear that she mattered in some way, and I needed to feel like I wasn't a complete failure twice in one day. Tara stood unsure of what to say. "Piney dropped her off with me earlier. Don't worry no one else knows yet. Though I think Tig might be smarter than I ever realized. The kid gave a loud half snort half laugh.

"You think?" She was making a face that looked like pure concentration. I just shook my head. Yeah it was pretty obvious that this kid was a mix of Tara and my stubborn sides. She was going to be a real pain in the ass. And part of me was looking forward to getting to know her.

"I gotta go talk to the guys. If you are busy, she can stay with Abel. The sign says family and medical personnel only. And I think you and I both know that she is family. That way she can keep an eye on him for me while I deal with things. I'll keep Gemma at bay as long as I can. Once you get home, let me know. We need to have that talk sooner rather later." With that I turned and walked out of the NICU doors toward the waiting room where my brothers were waiting for me.

**_Just close your eyes. You'll be alright. Come morning light, You and I will be safe and sound._**


	6. Demons

**_Demons_**

**_When the days are cold, and the cards all fold. And the saints we see, are all made of gold._**

Looking out at the faces of my family, my brothers I realized that no matter what they would be there for me. SAMCRO had always been more than just an MC to my old man, and now me. Each of these men had proven themselves through blood, sweat and tears. We had fought with each other and for each other, they would stand by me and my "family". I cleared my throat and they all looked up at me, a collective intake of breath, as I told them all I could about the baby born a short while ago. Each got up and hugged me, as they were heading out. Not much could be done for now. Only time would tell how the little man would fare.

"Hey Jax, man that chick never came by to pick up Grace. Where is she anyways?" Tig said as he was about to leave. "Cute kid." If he was going to say more he got cut off by Gemma.

"Who's Grace?" She looked at me with a raised brow, I knew I had seen that look before. Here we were dealing with the fact that I had a new-born that I didn't know was coming, and Tig just made it sound like I had some random girl hanging around. Never mind that it was pretty much the truth, but what Gemma heard was more along the lines of some cheap wanna be crow eater.

**_When your dreams all fail, and the ones we hail are the worst of all and the blood's run stale_**

"Grace, mom, is a 9-year-old. Her mom is a friend of Piney's, he didn't want the kid alone while her mom was starting her first day at a new job. He asked me if she could hang out at the shop so she wasn't alone all day. You called and I just had her come with me here. Her mom picked her up here a little while ago." I gave her the truth, she just didn't need all the specifics yet. The look on her face was priceless, she hadn't seen that one coming.

"Why don't you head home, I'm going to check in with the doctor. There isn't much we can do. And you Grandma, are going to have to help me get ready for this little man." I smirked at her.

"Asshole." She responded back as she picked up her bag, then hugged me and started to leave as well. "I'll swing by the house, tomorrow. Get some things, you are gonna have to turn one of those spare rooms into a nursery. I doubt they will let that junkie whore anywhere near that baby, and lord knows I definitely won't."

**_I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you. But with the beast inside, there's nowhere we can hide._**

"Thanks ma, I'll keep you posted if anything comes up tonight." I watched her walk out, and made sure that she was gone before I went back in to check on my son. Grace wasn't in the room with him, but on the rocking chair by the toaster there was a folder, the kind that looked like it would hold files or paper work. I picked it up and sat down. I sat for a moment looking at this small baby, god he was tiny. Were they supposed to be that small? Maybe all the tubes made him look smaller. I placed my hand on the side of the contraption separating my son from me, what would I do if he didn't make it. 20 percent, that is what Tara said the other doc was giving him. Not even half a chance. It wasn't until I heard the sound of the tear hitting the folder that I realized I was crying. Crying over this child I didn't know existed, and here he was barely living because I didn't know about him. I hated Wendy, and I hated myself for not knowing. It wasn't fair that he had to suffer because of us.

**_No matter what we breed, we are still made of greed. This is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come. _**

I wiped my eyes and opened the folder, and found just what I had asked Grace for, two pictures. The first was the Harley Soft tail I was working on at the shop, and the other was Abel. No tubes, no toaster, and the hint of a smile on his face. She had written Abel Teller, born 9/8 on the bottom, and then her initials JGT in the right hand corner. Paper clipped to the folder was a note in Tara's handwriting.

_Jackson, you were talking with Gemma when my shift ended. Jac and I will be at my father's house. If you decide that you are up for that conversation, you know where to find us. _

_ Tara_

I needed to get some answers, Grace had said some things that raised a few questions about their safety. And then there was the huge elephant in the room about the fact that I might have a 9-year-old child.

"I'll be back buddy, you just hold on until the doc can make you well enough to get out of here. See you later little man." I placed my hand next to him again. I don't know if he could hear me or not, but I needed to believe that he could. That he was able. As I headed out past the nurse's station one of the hospital suits was there, waiting for me.

**_When you feel my heat, look into my eyes. It's where my demons hide. It's where my demons hide. Don't get too close, it's dark inside. It's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide._**

"Mr. Teller, I'm sorry to bother you at this time. I wanted to introduce myself, I'm Margaret Murphy I am one of the administrators here at St. Thomas. Dr. Knowles began some of the paper work for you, on Abel. I need your signature as his parent to consent to the treatment he will receive. Ms. Case did name you as the father in the records that her OB sent over, while we have had to contact CPS regarding Ms. Case endangering him, he will be released into your care once he is declared fit to be discharged. I know Dr. Namid is going to do his very best for your son, and Dr. Knowles came highly recommended from Chicago Presbyterian. If you have any questions or concerns about the care Abel receives please feel free to contact myself or any of the staff here at St. Thomas." She spoke like a suit and not a doctor, I signed off on everything she pointed out and then thanked her saying quickly that I needed to get home and start preparing a home for my son.

**_Curtain's call, is the last of all. When the lights fade out, all the sinners crawl._**

I was so spent after the last few hours I didn't know what I wanted more, to go home and crash or go to Tara's and find out what was going on with everything there. I still had the tow truck, so I needed to head to the shop and swap it out for my bike. Getting to the cab of the truck, I saw a piece of paper on the seat. It was another page from Grace's notebook. She must have dropped it when getting out. I turned it over, it was a drawing of me working on the bike at the shop. Damn she was good. How the hell did a kid have this much talent? Shit. It was all I needed to confirm what I needed to do. I chanced it that the house phone still worked since I didn't have a cell number for Tara. The answering machine picked up, great I hated leaving messages.

**_So they dug your grave, and the masquerade, will come calling out at the mess you've made._**

"Hey, it's Jax. I have to drop the tow truck off at the shop. I'll be by after that." My heart was pounding. What was I going to do if she confirmed that I was Grace's father? Did she want child support? Why did she come back after all this time? Before I knew it I was pulling into the lot at Teller-Morrow, some of the guys were outside by the clubhouse and when I got out of the truck they called out to me asking how Abel was and wanting to celebrate the fact that I was a father. I tucked the new picture in the folder and tucked it into the inside pocket of my kutte. I waved the guys off saying I needed to deal with some shit. They quickly went back to the boxing match that Tig and Happy, one of the Nomad members, were having.

The feel of being on my bike was freeing. There in my mind was nothing like it. I needed it right now. The ride to the Knowles' house wasn't a long one but it had put me in a better frame of mind. Pulled into the drive way and was headed to the porch when Grace opened the door.

**_Don't wanna let you down, but I am hell bound. Though this is all for you, don't wanna hide the truth. _**

"Nice, a Super Glide Sport. Mom said you took your motorcycles seriously. You going to have dinner here? I talked her into ordering a pizza, but she wasn't sure if or when you would be getting here." I had to chuckle at her. It was the most I had heard out of her all day, and I had to admit I was impressed by how open she was now. Not to mention she knew what kind of bike I rode. I turned and looked at my it, then back to her.

"Yeah, it's a Super Glide. Maybe one day I'll take you out on it. As for the pizza, that is up to your mom. I'm just here to talk unless she says otherwise." I headed up the steps to the front door. Tara was standing in the living room, next to Grace.

"Over my dead body is she ever getting on the back of one of those things." Tara spoke, sounding very much like an overly concerned mother.

"Hey you didn't have any qualms about riding bit- I mean, riding with me. If my memory serves me correctly you used to love it." I lifted an eyebrow, knowing full well that she did and that when we were dating it was one of the things that turned her on, and I used it to my full advantage.

"Yeah, my point exactly." Was all she said in response. And then she turned serious, "Well come on it, we should probably talk at the table. After today I need to sit while I do this. Jac can you give us a few minutes, please."

**_No matter what we breed, we are still made of greed. This is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come._**

Not needing to be told twice she picked up her bag and headed down the hall. As I followed Tara to the kitchen I noticed that Grace went into Tara's old room. I supposed she was using the master bedroom while they were here. I didn't have any memories of that room, but I could almost close my eyes and visualize Tara's room. I had spent countless nights in there, having either climbed in the window when Rick was home or just staying when he was out on a bender. I grinned at the fact that the whole house from what I could see was one big flash back, only it didn't require me trying to remember. Rick was a fucking pack rat and kept everything, it was set up the same way it had been the last time I was here ten years ago. The day before I messed everything up.

We sat down at the table, taking our usual seats Tara across from me. She seemed nervous, she had barely sat down when she shot back up. " Can I get you something to drink? There isn't much, I didn't get to the store, hence the reason pizza was such an easy sell. " She opened the fridge, and it was bare, short of a water pitcher. And then she went to the cabinet next to the fridge, and it was like old times. There almost untouched after his death was Rick's stash of liquor. Tara had a preference for vodka over whiskey back when we were younger, but tonight she pulled out the Jameson bottle and poured two glasses.

"You think I'm gonna need that?" I asked trying to lighten her mood. I could see that she was shaking as she poured.

"I don't know about you, but I definitely need it with what I am about to do." Tara set the glasses down on the table, and then the bottle. She took a gulp and set her glass down. She looked at me, then closed her eyes. "Okay, just like a band aid, just rip it off right?" She took a deep breath and then blew it out. I gripped the glass, her nerves were starting to get to me.

"I'm all ears doc, though I gotta say, you'd have to be pretty blind not to notice that the little girl in your old room looks a lot like me. So why don't you start at the beginning. I don't have anywhere to be until I hear the whole story." She opened her eyes and looked at me.

**_When you feel my heat, look into my eyes. It's where my demons hide. It's where my demons hide. Don't get too close, it's dark inside. It's where my demons hide. It's where my demons hide. _**

"Oh Jackson. This isn't as easy as you might think. I wanted to contact you so many times. That day when I saw that...when Ima came out of the bathroom of the apartment, I..I guess I thought you didn't care, that you didn't want me so why would you want her. And she, she's my life. She is all the best parts of you. I, I just felt that maybe it was better that I not burden you with it at the time." She blew out again. her hands were still shaking and be began fidgeting with the glass.

"You didn't want to burden me? In the ten years that you had you thought that it was better that I not know about my child, because you didn't want to burden me? " I shook my head at her, "No, no it's more like you decided to be selfish and keep her from me. That isn't fair Tara, ten years! You have been gone ten years and now you just show up. And you don't have the decency to tell me what is plainly obvious. That I have to hear it from her, in a roundabout way because, because even she doesn't know how to tell me." I felt my emotions begin to come to a head. Everything from the last 24 hours was building, and if I wasn't careful I might lash out.

"What did she tell you?" She asked her voice shaking.

"She showed me your tattoo, that was what she did when I asked where he dad was. And she only did that after, after...She told me that she was good and blending in, that she had to be, because of the guy who tried to take my place. What the hell is that all about." Tara closed her eyes and held the bridge of her nose with her fingers.

"Josh, he and I dated a few years ago. Something wasn't right, it felt off. He got intense, and possessive. I broke things off, and he didn't take it well. I took out a restraining order, I moved us a couple of times just to be safe." She held the glass and kept her eyes on the table. My gut told me there was more to this, than what she was sharing. I also knew that if I pushed her on it, that she would shut down and refuse to answer. So I did the only think I could think of.

"Tell me more about my daughter, I mean you gave her my name, so she is mine, right?" I reached for her hand. I had missed so much time, and since I laid eyes on her last night, I felt that same pull from all those years ago.

**_They say it's what you make, I say it's up to fate. It's woven in my soul, I need to let you go. _**

"She is yours, ours really. She was born March 26, she is 9 years old. Her full name is Jackson Grace-Thomas Teller. The moment the nurse handed her to me all I could see was you. She is stubborn like you, ridiculously smart for her age, not to mention her artistic abilities. She has been my reason for breathing since I found out I was pregnant." I could hear the pride in her voice. More than that, I could hear the love, she had cared for our child from the moment she knew she was pregnant. She had left because I had forced her away, but she made sure that our child was healthy, it was a stark comparison to Wendy, who had nearly killed my son before he was born. The suit's words about my ability to press charges came back to me. I had known from the get go that Wendy was nothing like Tara, that was way I chanced things with her. I needed a distraction, something to fill the void. It hadn't worked. And that was largely due to the simple fact that she wasn't Tara. No one was.

"She has the flaw? She told me she did, is it true?" I needed to know that unlike my brother, there was a chance that my children would survive this genetic joke that seemed to get passed down the line.

"Yes, she was born with it. But she was closely monitored by specialists until a few weeks ago. Once I get her set with a doctor here it will be a matter of occasional checkups unless something happens that would cause alarm. She takes medication that regulates her condition, so there is no reason at this time why she shouldn't be treated like an average healthy child." She sounded sure, it was that mix of confident doctor and proud mother. It lead me to my next set of questions.

"Why didn't you ever tell me? Why wait until now?"

"I was scared Jackson. Scared that you didn't want me, and once I told you that I was pregnant you would still send me packing. I figured I would take some time and sort things out on my own then let you know. Let you decide for yourself. My dad, he made sure to let me know what you were up to, or rather who you were sleeping with, whenever we talked. He wanted me to end the pregnancy, that is what we fought about right before I came to the clubhouse to find you. He found the test in the bathroom garbage while I was celebrating the notice of my scholarship. You said the things you did and then Ima walked in. I was heartbroken. I called my cousin in San Diego and packed only what I needed. She drove up to get me the next morning. I doubled up on my course load, and took classes online to avoid the chance of falling behind once the baby came. The online classes proved to work out and I was able to knock time off my undergrad because of my AP classes from high school and those online ones. I graduated with honors in a year and half , was accepted into the medical program, and worked twice as hard then. I excelled in medical school, and did my residency at Chicago Presbyterian. I had selected pediatrics for a reason, obviously and ended up assisting with several surgeries. It felt right, to go that route. Last year, I had some personal issues arise and the chief of pediatrics suggested a couple of hospitals with possible openings that would be good fits. He didn't want to see me go, but he understood. He actually called St. Thomas and recommended they interview me on the chance that they would need an additional pediatric surgeon. So here we are, after all this time." She looked up at me, and bit her lip. Damn, it still had the same effect on me as when I was a kid.

"Thank you, for being there for my son today. And for raising our daughter. She is amazing." I squeezed her hand, "Was the personal issue that guy Josh? Is he going to be in issue here? And don't give that bullshit about not worrying about it. If it affects my child, I have a right to know."

**_Your eyes, they shine so bright, I wanna save the light. I can't escape this now, unless you show me how. _**

"Yeah, it was Josh. I don't know if it will be an issue here. I don't think it will. I didn't tell anyone where we were going. Dr. Harris was the only one who knew that I was interviewing at St. Thomas. I didn't have many friends because I was either working, or with Jac." There was worry in her eyes. All I knew was that these were my girls, and I had to keep them safe.

"I don't know what this is right here." I gesture between us, "I'm not missing out on anymore. I lost ten years with her. And if there is a problem with this guy you sure as hell better believe I'm not letting you up and run off again, not now that I have a chance to make it right with her." Tara just nods her head. There is a noise from the living room. We both look up and see Grace standing in the door way. "You been there long?" I ask, sure that she has heard the whole conversation.

**_When you feel my heat, look into my eyes. It's where my demons hide. It's where my demons hide. Don't get too close, it's dark inside. It's where my demons hide. _**

"Long enough." She replied back, before any of us could say more the door bell rang. "Pizza's here."

"I got it. " I say standing. Tara sits back down, then reaches for my hand and squeezes it. Grace opens the door and both Tara and I freeze when we hear.

"Well, well, you must be Grace."

**_It's where my demons hide. _**

* * *

Cliff hanger until I post the next chapter. Thank you for the reviews, they are motivation so keep them coming. :)


	7. Broken Bridges

**_Broken Bridges_**

**_There are bridge on life's highway. But we never see then there. _**

"Tig said you were a cute kid." There stood Gemma, in all her badass glory. I moved toward the door, Tara right behind me. I could sense the tension rolling off of Tara. I hoped she remembered that Gemma was known for being able to smell fear.

"And you must be Gemma. My mom told me about you and showed me a picture of you. Are you looking for her or Jackson?" Grace appeared unafraid of her. Maybe Tara had given the kid the run down on her life here in Charming. "They were talking in the kitchen."

"Yeah, I bet they were. So just out of curiosity kiddo, your dad around?" I wasn't sure if this was a test or not. I stepped forward to intercept things before it Gemma went any further. But Grace still seemed to be holding her ground.

**_Some cross troubled waters. Some don't go nowhere. _**

"Yup he's here. But you didn't tell me who it was you wanted to talk to, my mom or Jackson? I'm not supposed to let strangers in the house, and while I know who you are from a picture, I don't really know you." I smirked a little, Gemma rarely met someone so willing to give back the shit she handed out. And here she was a 9-year-old holding the Queen at bay to protect her family. Shit the kid was a Teller.

"Ma, what are you doing here?" I spoke up and stepped up next to Grace. She looked from Grace to me and then back again, and nodded her head.

"I would ask you the same question Jackson, but I think the answer is pretty obvious. You forget to mention a few things to me lately?" Gemma shifted her footing. "I was headed to your house and saw your bike parked out here. Piney's friend's kid my ass. Jesus Jackson."

"Ma, look...shit, do really want to do this here, standing on Tara's porch in front of her kid? I'll meet you at the house. " I didn't want to subject Grace to her grandmother's crazy side, it didn't matter what stories she had heard.

**_Some you wouldn't step on, if you were trying to save your soul. _**

"Actually Jackson, why don't I come in, we could have a fun family reunion. I mean shit, I got to see my first grandson through a glass window today" She stepped up and into the house, "Why not meet my oldest grandchild the same day, what 9, 10 years after I should have been told about her. "

There was no stopping Gemma Teller Morrow when she had her mind set on something. She'd see a task through, and she was determined to find out what was going on.

**_One comes with a keeper, when it's time to pay the toll. _**

"Gemma, I...Jackson didn't know. He actually just, we just discussed it." Tara was still nervous, and I am sure my insistence, that I not lose any more time could have her worried. But again the difference between her and Wendy was clear. She had made sure for the most part that our daughter was loved, healthy, happy and knew where she came from.

**_Some aren't meant to last forever, some are made of stone. _**

"Right. So discuss it with me." She set her bag down and put her hands on her hips. The stance she took when she wasn't going to back down. I ran my hand through my hair. Gemma wasn't one to forget or forgive. Tara leaving 10 years ago was a betrayal to her as much as to me. No one within SAMCRO understood it, the incident with Ima could have been forgiven. I actually took a lot of shit from the guys for letting that whore into the clubhouse. She became a porn star and was still trying to work her way in as crow eater. No one was buying it though. She clearly had her sights set on being an old lady to someone of rank, that meant me, Tig, and Clay for now, but should anything happen Opie was next in line as VP.

**_Some are meant to cross together, some you go alone._**

Before either Tara or I could speak the door bell rang, it figures that in the middle of all of this Grace's pizza would finally arrive, so much for 30 minutes or less. Tara went to step around Gemma to answer the door but Gemma wouldn't let her.

"Ma, come on, let her get the door. She ordered a pizza for Grace. The kid needs to eat. You and I can discuss this later." I knew it was pointless trying to argue with her, but I had to try.

"Gemma, I get that you're pissed, and you have a right to be, but let me get her settled and then we can discuss this." Tara seemed to have gained some confidence, I wondered if that shot of Jameson had kicked in.

**_Some the slightest wind can send them crashing to the ground. _**

"Fair enough sweetheart." She stepped out of the way so that Tara could open the door, the teenage kid seemed pissed to be left waiting, Tara paid quickly and he mumbled something under his breath about a lack of tip. Gemma couldn't help but throw her two cents in "Hey, you little shit head, I know your mother, she's on the Charming Community Board with me, don't make me inform her that you showed up late and stoned with my family's dinner." The kid hurried to his car with what sounded like a 'Sorry Mrs. Morrow."

She turned back to look at the three of us standing in the living room, "What?"

I laughed and just shook my head, "Alright ma, close the door, and let's get this over with. " We headed into the kitchen, and Gemma sat down at the table and made a point of drawing my attention to the whiskey and the glasses, "You weren't reliving the old days before I got here were you?" Tara ignored her and set to work getting Grace a dish, two slices of pizza and a glass of water from the pitcher in the fridge.

"Jesus, you weren't joking about her just getting here were you?" Gemma looked at me with concern "Well sweetheart I think a trip to the grocery store is in order. Or are you going to be living off of take out while you are here?" Tara handed the plate and glass to Grace then turned to Gemma.

"I don't need this right now Gemma. I will take Jac to the store tomorrow after my shift." Tara stood with her back to the counter, using it to support herself while having this standoff with Gemma.

**_I set a bridge on fire, but I could not burn it down. _**

"Fine, fine forget I said anything." She held up her hands in surrender. "So, lay it on me sweetheart. She my grandkid or what?"

Tara sighed, "Yes, her name is Jackson Grace-Thomas Teller. She was born in March after I left. I found out the day before I left Charming. I was late, and took a home test. That afternoon when I went to tell Jax, I found him with Ima. Or rather after he had been with Ima." With that being said Gemma turned her stony glare on me, "Jax had a few choice words for me before Ima made her grand entrance, I believe they were telling me to just go and not to come back. So that is what I did. My father and I argued about how he wanted me to have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption. He gave me a similar riot act as Jax did so I went and stayed with a cousin in San Diego got my degree at UC San Diego, then was accepted into med school at both Loyal Med and Feinberg Medical at Northwestern, I busted my ass while in school did my residency at Chicago Presbyterian, and was recommended by the Chief of Pediatrics for a surgical position here at St. Thomas. And if you want more proof, she has been treated for the same genetic heart condition that Jax has, that you had your heart attack from, and that took Thomas' life." Tara had laid it all out, just as she had for me. But she left out the part about Josh, the reason she and Grace had come from Chicago back to Charming.

**_Now here I am, prayin' forgiveness. And I can see you, standing on the other side. Here I go, and baby it's a heavy load. I have crossed some broken bridges in my time. _**

Gemma nodded, she looked at me and then pointed a finger at me "You should have kept your dick in your pants, with both those girls. And you sweet heart, should have let one of us know, it didn't have to take 10 years. You list Jackson as the father on the birth certificate?"

"Yes, and his name is listed in my will and as in case of emergency forms for both Jac and myself. I had planned a hundred times to tell him. My father made sure that when I did hear from him that he let me know who Jax was with and what trouble he had been in. Sort of making sure I stayed away. When he passed away I came back to take care of things and had the interview at St. Thomas. They called me last month and offered me a the pediatric surgeon position. I gave my notice and we packed up and drove here. We arrived yesterday, Piney greeted us, took us to dinner. Jax showed up this morning, Opie let him know we were here. You know the rest of it obviously." Tara looked at the ground.

**_Now here I am, prayin' for forgiveness_**

"Shit you named her Jackson? Seriously? Shit. And with that attitude she must be related to me." It appeared that Gemma was going to be more accepting of things than Tara had expected. I let out the breath I had held.

"So can I come back now that you all have had your talk? I'm still hungry?" Grace peered around the corner. Tara seemed to relax a little .

**_And I can see you_**

"Sure darlin. You know I'm starving, someone didn't share any of their lunch today. What kind of pizza you got there?" I stood and snagged a slice off her plate after Tara had laid two on it.

"One happy little family huh? You two picking up where you left off?" Gemma was not one to skirt around an issue. Tara answered at once.

"No. I didn't come back here to force a family on Jax, or anyone else. We are here for however long we are, and if Jax chooses to get to know his daughter that is up to him, same for you. I know today has been one hell of a rollercoaster. Jax found out he has two children in one day. Anything that happens from this point on, is up to him." She looked at both Gemma and I.

"Fair enough sweet heart ." She turned to me "You going public with this? Being the father of a 9-year-old?"

**_Standing on the otherside_**

"Are you kidding me? How can I not? Have you looked at her? She looks just like Thomas, shit why do you think Tig even said anything about her at the hospital. He knew just looking at her, he just didn't come right out and say it. She's my kid, you bet I'm telling people." Tara looked over at me, Gemma held a bit of a frown about it. And then I looked to Grace.

"So I'm not just a friend?" That snarky little shit had been listening.

"Nah darlin' you got my name, so you have to be more than just a friend. You know at one time your mom was my best friend, next to Opie that is. But you know none of us have bothered asking you how you feel about any of this. You okay with people knowing your my kid?" Part of me was nervous about her response.

**_Here I go_**

"I suppose it is okay. Does that mean I'm not just Grace Thomas then?" Ouch, she was so much like both her mother and grandmother. We were going to have to reign that shit in before she hit her teens or we were all going to have our hands full.

"Well I better get home to Clay, he's going to be wondering where the hell I've been." She stood then turned to Tara "You got her registered for school yet?" Tara shook her head no "Well they started back up this week. One more day isn't going to kill her, I'll pick her up before your shift, take her down to register, get some groceries, so you two don't starve, and then bring her by to see her baby brother. Maybe I'll get to know my granddaughter a bit. That okay with you, mom?" I quirked my eye brow at Tara, this was big, more than I think Tara ever expected from either of us when she came back.

**_And buddy it's a heavy load. _**

"Okay. I have to be at St. Thomas at 7 to begin prepping for Abel's surgery. " Tara seemed to be trying to handle all of what my mother had just said. There clearly was going to be some sort of catch, and Tara was waiting for it.

"Okay, have her ready at 6:30. And you, you better get yourself home. Because if that bike is here when I get here in the morning your ass is grass." She grabbed her bag and walked out.

**_But I have crossed some broken bridges in my time. Yes, I have crossed some broken bridges in my time. _**

* * *

Don't be fouled...it isn't over yet, it can't be all sunshine and roses this quickly, otherwise it wouldn't be SOA, or Jax and Tara, right? Keep the reviews coming. They keep me writing.


	8. Ruby Tuesday

**_Ruby Tuesday _**

**_She would never say where she came from. Yesterday doesn't matter when it's gone._**

The club had a lot going on and the last thing Jax needed was the distraction that two baby mamas could bring, namely a shit load of drama. I picked the kid up as agreed upon, Tara left at the same time to head to St. Thomas.

"You take care of my grandson, and I'll take good care of my granddaughter. Leave me the key so we can bring groceries back before coming up to the hospital." Tara looked unsure about handing over the key to the dump that Rick had barely held onto. "Oh come on sweetheart, there isn't anything in the house that I need, or want. Well unless you have a craving fork? I'm planning on having a dinner to celebrate and got a turkey and a ham, and you know how Bobby is, that shit can't touch."

Tara reluctantly handed me the keys . She gave the kid a hug and kiss saying she would see her later at the hospital, and reminded her to take her meds. She then handed me a slip of paper.

"This is any information you need on what to do should Jac gets sick or should anything happen. Also there is an envelope with required documents for registering her for school, if you still intend to take her to do that." Tara gave the kid one last hug.

"Don't worry sweetheart, I'll take care of her. And tonight, my house, dinner, to celebrate. I can bring Jac, Grace, what the hell ever you call her after seeing Abel and then you can come by after your shift is done." I was trying to keep in mind that if Jax choose to have any kind of good relationship with his daughter I bet play nice with the good doctor.

"I don't know Gemma. " Tara said as she put her bag in the car.

"Oh come on sweetheart, I'm extending the olive branch here. Clay and I talked last night, the club is Jax's family and you are going to have to get used to them being around. Especially if you two are sticking around. " The kid climbed into the back seat, and buckled her seat belt.

**_While the sun is bright, or in the dark of night. _**

"We'll see, I have to get going. I'll talk to you later. " Tara got in and started her car as I did the same thing. "Alright kid, I think we need to lay some ground rules first. It is going to take some time for me to get used to the fact that I have a 9-year-old grand kid, so for now, let's stick with Gemma. I'm not sure what your mom is expecting coming back after all this time, but the last thing he needs is more drama in his life. We clear on that? And, what is it I'm supposed to call you? What the hell was your mom thinking with that name, Jackson Grace-Thomas." I looked at the kid in the rearview mirror.

"Well, you can call me Grace. Mom is the only one who ever really calls me Jac, or Jackson when I'm in trouble. She told me once that I looked so much like him when I was born that she couldn't help but call me by his name. And I'm okay with just calling you Gemma. " She pulled something out of her bag, a notebook and ipod.

"Don't get too comfortable with those things on Grace, so the school office opens in an hour. How about I make you breakfast and my house, then we'll take care of all the things we need to do today?" I wasn't giving her much of a choice in the matter as we were already pulling down the street to my house. "You good with eggs? Clay likes a big breakfast in the morning before handling business." We pulled in to the driveway and I saw that Jax's bike was parked next to Clay's. The kid grabbed her bag and climbed out following me into the house. "Looks like I have another mouth to feed this morning as well. Typical."

**_No one knows. She comes and she goes. _**

"Let me guess, he's Clay and not grandpa? And it should be Jax and not dad. " She meet my gaze, snarky little bitch. Damn she was going to fit right in around here.

"Come on kid, let's get you feed." I gestured for her to sit on one of the stools at the counter while I got things together to make breakfast. I figured that Jax and Clay were talking in the office and the smell of food would draw them out. As I moved around the kitchen the kid took out her notebook and started drawing. She didn't put the headphones back on, but she didn't talk much while I cooked.

"Do you always make this much for breakfast? Or is this how it always is?" Grace asked, she was still working on her drawing as I began to plate the food I had made. Maybe I had done more than normal, but Jax was here and he could eat his weight in food some days, and I didn't know what the kid liked. There was bacon, eggs, toast, some fruit I had cut up and a stack of pancakes.

"I don't do anything half assed kid, the sooner you learn that the better. What are you drawing?" I asked as I stepped closer to her. She shrugged and set her pencil down. "Come on kiddo, help me put the plates on the table and you can get to eating. Those two will come out of the office and there won't be a single scrap left." She helped and sat in the chair I pulled out for her. No sooner did she sit that both my guys came out sniffing the air.

**_Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday. Who could hang a name on you?_**

"Something smells good. Grace. Hey darlin', I see grandma made us all breakfast. " Jax came out smiling like a kid at Christmas. I'm sure he thought he was being cute with the grandma comment. Asshole.

"Yeah, Gemma said she makes Clay a big breakfast before he handles business. And rule number one was not to call her that." Grace said after taking a sip of juice.

"So this is, wait I thought you said Tara named the kid after him?" Clay looked confused as he went to sit at the head of the table.

I groaned, this kids name was going to be a real pain in the ass. "She did, my name is Jackson Grace." The kid seemed more than willing to speak up for herself.

"That's not your whole name, fucking mouthful if I've ever heard one. Jackson Grace-Thomas Teller." I rolled my eyes. Mind you I loved that my first grandchild was named after both of my sons, but seriously. Tara must have been on some heavy drugs immediately after giving birth to think that was a good name.

"So what do you prefer to be called?" Clay asked, filling his plate.

"You can call me Grace." The kid barely looked up, I knew Clay was a bit intimidating for some people, but usually they were more afraid of me, this kid had it a bit backward.

**_When you smile with every new day_**

"'Hmmm...I think I like that your name gets that response out of grandma," he gave a shit eating grin then said, "I think I'll be the one that calls you Jackson Grace. Hopefully you got your mom's end of things brains wise though. She always was the smart one in the group. I don't think the prince would have gotten that damn GED is she hadn't forced him to." Clay chuckled pretty proud of himself.

"Oh she definitely seems to have the brains in this operation, and some amazing artistic skills. You should see the sketch book she has. Kid's got a future in it." Jax spoke with pride, he barely knew the kid but he seemed to already think she could do no wrong. He had been the same way about Tara and then she broke his heart. "You should see the sketch she did of the Soft tail I'm working on at the shop. Which reminds me," he reached into his kutte and pulled out a folded piece of paper. Opening it up he handed it to Clay.

"Shit, you drew this? That's impressive kid." Clay said looking at the paper. I craned my neck to get a good look. It was a pretty good drawing.

I looked at my watch and pushed away from the table. "Alright you two need to get over to the shop, and I need to clean up before I take her to get her registered at school. We'll see you later at the hospital. Oh and tonight, dinner here. Let the guys know, I got a serious spread to celebrate. And bring the prospect." I picked up the dishes and started toward the kitchen.

"The prospect doesn't eat meat." Jax said laughing as be followed up the paper and put it back into his kutte where he had pulled it from.

"Don't patch him in, you can't trust anyone that doesn't eat meat." I rinsed the dishes and put them into the dishwasher. Clay laughed. The prospect was an interesting kid. He had returned from Afghanistan and seemed lost. Juice one of the younger club members brought him around to show him the club and hopefully help the kid find some direction. They called him half sack because of his injury that got him his ticket home and a discharge from the Army.

**_Still I'm gonna miss you..._**

Over the next few hours, we completed all the tasks including getting Grace registered at the elementary school, and then going to the store to stock up. We headed to the hospital and to check in with the doc and see how Abel was doing.

Jax apparently hasn't been around at all yet. A nurse tells us that the doctors did some tests on Able to assess if he was strong enough to undergo the surgery yet. They will be operating shortly. Grace sits in the rocking chair just looking at her half brother in his incubator. It breaks my heart. I called his cell and he didn't answer. Most likely club shit. I leave a message telling him to call me. Tara approaches me with a clipboard, I'm sure to give me whatever update she can.

"We'll be operating in the next hour. It will take a while. As I told Jax yesterday, Dr. Namid wants to fix his belly first. I'll keep you posted. Um, did everything go well this morning?" Tara speaks quietly, looking into the room at both children.

"Yeah. She's a good kid. School starts tomorrow. How is that going to impact your schedule?" I ask, curious as to how the good doctor has managed to juggle all of this before.

"I already spoke with administrator, I will be able to drop her off tomorrow, and pick her up to bring her to the staff daycare here at the hospital. Once the bus is set, she'll get herself on in the morning and I'll pick her up. It's the routine that we had in Chicago too. " Tara looked at me oddly, confused as to why I would be asking.

"What? Daycare? No we don't let strangers raise our kids." I was flabbergasted, she had to be kidding.

**_Don't question why she needs to be so free. _**

"Gemma, they aren't raising her, they are watching her for a couple of hours. Someone will help her with her homework. Then as soon as I'm done with my shift, we'll head home. " Tara folded her arms over her chest.

"And what happens sweetheart if you are in the middle of surgery when school gets out? " Ha, two could play at this game. Daycare my ass.

"In that envelope with all the papers for registering, there was an in case of emergency transportation sheet. The school will put her on a bus that drops other staff kids off here. And she will be brought to the daycare with the other kids. I just have to contact the school before dismissal to be sure they know to put her on the bus. I've done my research Gemma. And this isn't a new routine for us. I don't know what you are playing at, but I have things taken care of." Tara speaks with the authority of a single mother who isn't going to bend.

"Well looks like you still do your homework. But I still say we don't let strangers raise our kids. I can pick her up after school and bring her to the shop. She can do her work there, and Jax can get to see his kid." I'm not sure why I suddenly feel the need to offer this up, maybe it has to do with my concern over Abel and not wanting Jax to miss out on any more time.

"I don't think so Gemma. Yesterday and today were one thing. I won't have Jac spending excessive amounts of time around the shop or the clubhouse. It will be a cold day in hell before I let her become involved in that life." Tara looks pissed. The arms are pulled tighter, she had raised up on her full height to make herself appear taller.

**_She'll tell you it's the only way to be_**

"You better get yourself some warm clothes sweetheart. Because if you want Jax involved in her life, you better be prepared for 'that' life to be a part as well." I held her gaze and leaned in closer. Of course at that moment my cell phone rang. It was Piney calling with shop business.

"Speaking of, I have to head to the shop for a little while. I can bring Grace with me, get her some lunch. And be back before Abel should be out of surgery. We both know she can't sit there alone. And I'm not leaving her at a day care when she has already been with me most of the day. " I folded my arms and mimic her posture.

"Fine. But she stays until the end of my shift once you get back." Tara turns and goes into the room and speaks to Grace. The kid nods her head and then stands up. Hugs Tara and then walks out to me.

"Alright Gemma, where to now?" This kids gonna be the death of me, I can sense it.

"Teller-Morrow for a bit, then I need to get some things for tonight's dinner. We'll swing back here and check on the little man after that." I keep my eyes on Tara who is looking down at my Abel in his incubator. She comes back out into the hallway. And I can't resist.

"Hey doc, don't forget about dinner tonight. If you are going to insist on that daycare starting tomorrow, I'm going to insist on what we discussed this morning." Bitch.

**_She just can't be chained._**

We go straight to the shop and I send the prospect to get lunch for Grace. She sits at the picnic table listening to her music and doodling while I deal with the backed up paper work that had Piney calling me in a panic. Men. These idiots can't manage two days without me keeping watch over them. Jax arrives on his bike, followed by Clay, Tig, Bobby and Chibs. This doesn't look good. They all walk into the clubhouse. Tig apparently is the only one who takes notice of Grace. She seems unaffected by it. But it pisses me off. First he hasn't taken the time to go see his son, and now he blows off his daughter.

I head towards the clubhouse. "Stay here sweetheart. I'll be right back." I say as I walk by her.

**_To a life where nothing's gained, and nothing's lost, at such a cost._**

They guys are headed to the table, but not everyone is present so Clay must have called everyone to church. I might have a few minutes to find out what is going on with Jax, and maybe ream him out while I am at it.

"Jackson, can I have a moment please?" I call to him from the doorway, I know that I'm not to enter this room, especially when they are meeting.

"Not now ma." He sounds impatient, but I'm not going to relent.

"Jackson Nathaniel Teller, I need to speak with you now. And I know full well that until those empty chairs are full, church isn't happening. So spare me a moment. Now!"

**_There's no time to lose, I heard her say._**

"Jesus, what?" His temper when he is frustrated is short. He's like Clay in that way. I walk away from the doorway towards the bar which is empty. He follows, but clearly doesn't want to .

"We need to discuss what you want to do for getting Abel's room ready." I figure if I start this way with him, he might be willing to talk.

"Just stop mom. Stop wanting to fix things, or clean my place up. He's not gonna make it." Jax speaks with a quiet tone that still is pronounced.

"What? What do you mean? What happened?" I become concerned, we left the hospital less than an hour ago, had something happened during surgery?

"He was born with half a stomach and a hole in his heart. He's gonna die." I can't help it, I slap him.

"Don't you say that. You're the only one that kid's got. If you don't believe he's gonna live, you might as well go down there and kill him yourself." I'm angry. Angry for that baby, angry for the little girl that has been without a father and myself for missing out on so much with both of them.

"Sorry." I touch his cheek, full well knowing I'm not, "You need to see him, Jax."

"I can't." Is his only reply.

"Why? Cause he'll break your heart? It's called being a father." He needs to start acting like he is one, to both those kids.

"For how long? A day? A week?" He looks so lost in that moment. Like he did when we lost he brother.

"You were born with the same heart defect your little brother had." I pound his chest, "You seem pretty sturdy to me. So does that kid sitting outside. Or did you forget about her? I came through hell, landed on my feet. Your father was hit by a goddamn semi, dragged a hundred seventy-eight yards and that bastard lived for two more days. Tellers don't die easy. "

He smirks, "No, we just die bloody."

"That's the Irish in us." I grin. Jax nods, hopefully I have reached him.

He starts to turn, but then says to me quietly "When you and dad hooked up, he ever talk about his vision? What he wanted from the club?"

"His vision was, you know, what it is. A brotherhood. A family. Why?" He has me concerned, but maybe he taking in what I have just said to him.

**_Catch your dreams before they slip away._**

"I found a box of dad's old shit in the storage unit. Pictures, journals. Things I never knew about him. " He is still quiet, angled so he can see the clubhouse door and the room the others are in.

"What kinds of things?"

"Little I read, seems his original idea of Sons of Anarchy was something simpler. Social rebellion. Living outside the box. Called it a Harley commune. Real hippy shit." He shakes his head, I feel like there is more he isn't telling me.

"We all had a lot of bright ideas back then. We were kids. Your dad became a man. Men take care of business."

"Yeah. They do. " The clubhouse doors open and more of the guys file in, time to get back to business.

"Go see Abel, and remember dinner tonight. Bring the prospect. I'll make him a salad." Jax nods and the guys close the doors, I'm dismissed for now.

Once I am sure things are set in the office, I take the kid with me to the store again. We get what we need for dinner, we drop it off at the house. I let Grace feed my cockatoo, and then we head back to the hospital.

We sit in the waiting area, Luann, my best friend is with us. I'm getting nervous. Shouldn't they be done by now? Tara comes out, she looks anxious. I stand and Luann holds my hand. Grace looks up from her drawing.

**_Dying all the time. _**

"Abel's stomach surgery went well, but it's putting a strain on his system. Dr. Namid doesn't want to wait. He thinks we should do the heart surgery now."

"Okay. So what happens?"

"A specialist is on his way from San Francisco. One of the best pediatric cardiovascular surgeons in the country. Soon as he gets here, we'll begin the procedure on Abel's heart."

I squeeze Luann's hand. Oh shit.

"That's good, right? That they're not waiting?" Luann speaks, as I seem to have lost the ability.

"It's the best choice, yes." She seems to have more to say.

"Okay. Thank you. I'll let Jax know." I feel like I might fall if Luann let's go of my hand.

"Can we take a walk?" Here it comes, the part she isn't sharing in front of Luann.

"I'll be right here. I can keep an eye on Grace for you." Luann squeezes my hand again.

We walk down the hall a bit. "What is it?"

"Wendy's in bad shape. Feeling all alone. Can't stop crying." Tara begins, and I stop listening.

"And?"

"I was hoping maybe you could talk to her."

"Trust me, nothing I've got to say to that crank whore is gonna make her feel better." I can't believe her concern for the junkie who almost killed my son's baby.

"I forgot just how forthright you can be."

"'You forgot a lot of things, sweetheart." I turn and head back down the hallway toward Luann and Grace.

**_Lose your dreams_**

After taking a few minutes to settle down, I call Jax and update him. The guys have something that they need to take care of and then they are going to come down. Luann calls some of the ladies, she is going to go to the house and start working on dinner. I've prepped most of it, and let her know that the bird has been in the oven since Grace and I stopped at the house. It should be ready around 7. Tara stops by one more time to tell us the specialist had arrived, the surgery will take a couple of hours. Grace and I will join the ladies in preparing for dinner.

"We'll be back." I tell her, sitting here isn't doing either of us any good.

**_And you will lose your mind?_**

The time with the ladies, some of whom are old ladies, others crow eaters and hang arounds, will help, I hope. Once we get word on Abel the plan was for the club to all come back to the house to celebrate. I had to believe that things were going to work out. I'd already lost Thomas, I needed Abel to make it for my Jackson.

**_Ain't life unkind?_**

We are only back at the hospital a short while, Luann is with me, the guys start streaming in. We fill the waiting room, like a big family. Tara appears from the double doors at the end of the hall. She is covered in surgical gear, fresh from surgery. Her head is down as she walks, but when she looks up her expression is more relaxed. I stand and head toward her.

"The surgeons repaired the damage to Abel's heart. He's stable. The next twenty-four hours are gonna be tough. If he gets through it, he's got a pretty good shot at being a kid." She sounds cautious but I can see it in her eyes, she wants him to make it as badly as I do.

"Thank you."

"Where's Jax?"

"He's on his way." I let out a sigh. He's gonna make it, I can feel it. Tellers don't die easy.

"Okay. I'm gonna go tell Wendy."

"I'll tell her." Knowing that Abel is going to make it has be ready to handle the Wendy problem. Tara smiles at me and heads back through the doors. I update the group, and tell Luann I'll be right back.

"I'm going to go let Wendy know then we will head out of here. Keep an eye on Grace for me?" I ask, Luann hugs me and I pick up my bag and head to Wendy's room.

I walk in and find her staring off into space. She has the nerve to have a Bible open like she is reading it. It might make this easier. I set my bag down on a chair by the door.

"Looks like the boy might actually see his first birthday." I tell her, I am seething at the sight of her.

**_Goodbye Ruby Tuesday. Who could hang a name on you?_**

"He made it? Abel, oh thank you. Thank you, God." She sobs.

"Yes, thank you go. Maybe we should say a little prayer. " I pick up the Bible, her faux concern has made this easier for me.

"Okay. That'd be good." She shuts her eyes.

"Dear god, thank you for saving this boy from his murderous junkie mother, who cared more about a forty dollar rush than she did for her own flesh and blood."

Wendy's eye snap open "Don't you dare!"

"Don't I day? You pathetic whore. Do think Jax is going to forgive this? Do you think there won't be charges? Your sudden Bible studies going impress the DA?"

"I'm checking into Promises when I get out." Wendy says.

"Another round of rehab. Let's just throw money at those 12-step freaks." Holding the Bible I walk to my bag. I pull out what I need and place it in the Bible. "How long's it gonna last this time? Six months, three? A couple of weeks?"

"It'll be different now. I have my baby to live for!" Wendy is sobbing and I feel my blood boil. Suddenly I have Wendy by the throat.

"That's where you're wrong. You have no baby. You lost that privilege. You so much as cast a shadow on this kid. Try to turn some legal screw and get custody, I will finish this job. He will never call you mommy." I let go of her throat and place the Bible on her chest.

"I suggest you turn to Jesus." I pick up my bag and walk out. The door barely closes and I hear two thumps.

**_When you smile with every new day_**

I head back to my family. When I get there Luann tells me Jax has arrived and he has gone back to talk to the doctor. Everyone is in a better mood, milling about talking to each other, and Luann helps me get everyone ready to head back to the house.

Jax comes out. Abel will require time to recover in the incubator. Only medical staff can be around him until he is in the clear.

"Tara is going to meet us at the house. She was getting cleaned up now. Grace can head over with us. Time to introduce my family to my family." He is more relaxed. His son has a chance. We are on the elevator and the doors are starting to close. An alarm sounds in the distance. Suddenly a nurse is rushing down the hallway. There is a shout about a code blue. The door closes.

**_Still I'm gonna miss you..._**


	9. The Best I Can

**The Best I Can**

**_I've had dreams, crash and burn. I've learned lessons, I wish never learned._**

If going to dinner at Gemma and Clay's was the way that I was going to get her off my back about the fact that I had set up daycare for Jac then so be it. I however was not getting done up for this, clean scrubs were the best I had to offer.

I was thankful that my shift was over and Dr. Lewis was now on because one of the mothers suddenly flat lined as I was headed to the elevator. I stopped to see if any assistance was needed as I got to the nurse's station but a crew had already begun working to revive her. I would only be an extra body in the room. It wasn't until I was walking away that I heard which room it was, Wendy Case. Part of me wondered what had caused the flat line, she had been fine earlier in the day when I had stopped in to let her know that we would be operating on Abel. As the elevator door opened I heard a nurse call out for the other s to be careful of the syringe. What the hell happened in there? Suddenly I was very sorry that I fell for Gemma's convincing turn around toward Wendy earlier. My gut told me that Gemma had something to do with it.

**_And I've let love, turn to hate. And I hate I made those mistakes._**

I found my way to Gemma and Clay's like it was only yesterday that I had last been here. The driveway was full of bikes and the street was lined with cars.

"You have got to be kidding me." I parked half way down the street and walked to the house. It was getting cool with the moon filling the sky. It was almost 8 o'clock, and all I wanted to do was get Jac and head home. Home, it sounded so strange. My father's house hadn't been home in so many years, even when I was younger I spent more time with at the Winston house, or even with Donna. Once Jax and I were together I spent my time split between his home, and the two prior. I barely spent time with my father, and that caused a greater rift between the two of us.

I knocked on the door, but with all the noise I could hear coming from inside it was clear no one had heard me, so I opened the door and stepped in. Dinner had not begun everyone seemed to be milling around the kitchen and large family room space. I stepped farther into the house, and knocked on the wall of the kitchen to get someone, anyone's attention really. I truly wanted nothing more than to get my daughter and get out of this place. Luann Delany was the closest to hear or see me.

**_Forgiveness ain't much different than salvation. And searchin' for 'em both will try your patience._**

"Oh the doc's here! Gemma, Jax!" Luann called out. Gemma, who had been instructing some of the other women on setting the table and making sure everything was perfect, looked up and nodded. She waved me over to her, clutching my bag I approached her. I was surprised when she pulled me into a hug and kissed my cheek. I could smell the wine on her breath, clearly that was the cause for the need for affection towards me. And then I was proven wrong by her once again. She put her fingers to her mouth and let out an ear shattering whistle. That got everyone's attention, and there were quite a few people in the house. It took a moment for me to locate Jac sitting with a pad of paper and a small tv dinner table in the other room. It looked like she had been drawing something.

"Hey! Everyone listen up! I want to say thank you, thank you to each of you for being here tonight to celebrate the birth of my grandson. " As she spoke there was a collective cheer. "And, I want to say a thank you to Dr. Tara Knowles. She not only helped deliver Abel, and assisted in his surgeries today so that he has a shot at life, but she also is the mother of my first grandchild. Some of you have had the chance to meet Grace, who is a Teller without a doubt. But without Tara, we wouldn't be able to celebrate my two grandchildren today. Thank you sweetheart." And with that Gemma planted a kiss on my cheek and the entire audience to her speech cheered again. Jax was clapped on the back and hugged by various people. And then I was swept into a hug by Clay and then I seemed to be passed around to various hugs by members of the club.

**_Despite my good intentions and my best laid plans. All that's outta my hands. _**

After several moments of this Clay called everyone to the table. "Alright! A toast, to Abel for pulling through despite some really shitty odds, to Jackson Grace the second new addition to our big family, and to the doc. Thank you for making it possible for those two to be a part of our family."

"Here here!" came the cheer and then Tig a member I remembered from my youth "Shouldn't we toast to Jax for not wrapping it? If he had then..." before he could finish Bobby another member I knew smacked him on the back of the head. Tig turned to look at him "What? It's the truth."

I was directed to a chair next to Jac. She was beaming at being acknowledged by all these people. And I understood it. For a kid with no family to be welcomed with open arms to a massive "family" like this, it was all a kid can dream of. I had told her stories about Jax, Opie, Donna and the various members of the club who were a part of my life growing up in Charming. I had always expected that if and when I returned to Charming with news of a long lost child that the response I would get would be cold, that I would be shunned and even risk losing the precious gift I had been given that resulted in me leaving .

**_So I'm just tryin' to do the best I can. The best I can. I'm doing the best I can. I'm doing the best I can. _**

I looked down at Jac, and smiled at her. She reached out and squeezed my hand. I asked her what she had eaten all day. She sensed my concern, it was hard not being with her. "Gemma made breakfast here, over the top. Kind of like tonight. She told me that I couldn't call her grandma, and I have to call him Clay. But since he is the Morrow in Teller-Morrow, he isn't really my grandfather in the same sense, right?" I nodded. I had told her about JT, because there was something in her eyes at times that reminded me of him, he was always kind, but his eyes always seemed to look like he knew so much more about what was going on around him. Jac was like that, a kid her age should not be so in tuned to the things happening in the adult world surrounding her.

"Kip got me lunch again. He's nice. He doesn't eat meat, and Gemma doesn't trust him because of it. Though I think she didn't mean it. Everyone wants me to draw them something. Most of the guys, want motorcycles. And Jax, he hung my picture of Abel up at the shop." She pointed to the things on the table that she wanted and I made her a plate then switched the one in front of her for the dish in front of me.

"You take your meds?" I asked, taking very little for myself. I had learned to provide for her needs and get by on the leftovers. It was the opposite of the role model my father had provided. Jac rolled her eyes at me.

**_I've found hope, and then I've lost it. _**

"Yes mom. I took them, my alarm was set on my iPod. Just because they don't know the routine, doesn't mean I don't." Jac rolled her eyes again and began eating.

My leg got tapped under the table. I ignored it thinking that any one the many people at this massive gathering could have shifted their leg and connected with mine. It happened twice more causing me to look up and around. I hadn't realized when we sat at the table because I was so focused on Jac that Jax was sitting across from me. When I looked up he smiled and winked at me. His plate was heaping with food.

"Hey darlin', how did grandma and the ladies do?" clearly talking Jac he looked at my plate. "Everything okay? You gotta be starving."

"I'm good. Everything is fine." I pushed the salad around with my fork.

"Mom never eats much. Just enough. She always makes sure that I have plenty." Jac informed him. He looked concerned but there was something else there. Before anymore could be said a dish was put in front of me.

"Eat up doc. You need your strength to save more lives like you did today." A young guy with a short mohawk and tribal tattoos on the sides of his head, held the dish and looked genuinely concerned that I needed to eat something more than salad.

**_I'm just like you. I've got ghosts, in my closet. _**

I took a spoon full of the potato dish that he was presenting. "Thank you. "

"It's bad enough that the prospect doesn't eat meat. You better have something." Said a voice that I barely knew. It was an Irish drawl. The man on Jax's right looked to be about forty and had scars on his face. I vaguely remembered him.

"Don't worry Chibs. Mom eats meat. And I think Kip does too. I saw him eyeing my burger this afternoon." Jac spoke smiling at the man.

"Aye, Jackie boy she is a smart one. Definitely gets it from her mama." He stoke clapping Jax on the shoulder. "I'll be expecting her to outshine the whole lot of us soon enough."

**_Forgiveness ain't much different than salvation. And searchin' for 'em both will try your patience. _**

Through the whole 'meal' I could feel different pairs of eyes on me, watching. Jax looking at me has he had when were younger and friends, Clay with this gaze of trying to get a handle of where things were at, crow eaters trying to determine if I was after Jax, various members of the club looking out for the doctor that had "saved" their VP's newborn, and then Gemma analyzing every movement, every interaction between myself and Jax. Much like she did when we were dating. Nothing I could say or do at this point would make her understand, I wasn't back for him. Man if only it were that easy. Even Jac didn't know the full extent of my need to return to this place, my fear that shout Josh succeed in his threats against me that she would be alone in the world. Here at least she would now know her father and have the chance to with a family that would protect her. I had been serious when I told Gemma that Jax was the in case of emergency for both of us, and that he was named in my will.

After she had eaten her full I told Jac we needed to get going, since she had school in the morning. She agreed, and I could see the exhaustion in her eyes. People were beginning to leave, and I took that opportunity to take out leave as well. I thanked Gemma and Clay for their hospitality, and hugged Gemma telling her how much it meant to me that she had been willing to look after Jac all day.

**_Despite my good intentions and my best laid plans. All that's outta my hands. _**

She shrugged it off, "Please sweetheart, we take care of each other, we're a family. I know you have been gone awhile, but you can't have forgotten that."

Clay chimed in as well saying "You need anything, you let us know. Jackson Grace, don't you be a stranger, I have never eaten as well as I have today. I owe you for that."

We started toward the front door, and I put my bag around my shoulder as Jac put her back pack on, she was looking around for something or someone. "What's the matter?" I asked, I had feared that she was more like me that I had thought and that she was looking for Jax. I know he can be charming, I had fallen for that same charm all those years ago. And while I wanted her to get to know her father, I did not want him breaking her heart as he had broken mine.

**_So I'm just tryin to do the best I can. The best I can. I'm doing the best I can. I'm doing the best I can. _**

"Nothing. " I could hear it in her voice, she was hoping to say good night, but he wasn't around. I put my arm around her and pulled her to me.

"Come on kiddo, let's get you home. I want to hear all about your adventures with Gemma, and then you need to get to bed." I squeezed her to me as we cut across the lawn toward the car.

"Okay." She replied but a huge yawn followed it. I could tell already that by the time we got back to the house she would be asleep. I had barely pulled down the street when her eyes grew heavy . And once I pulled into the driveway I was calculating how I was going to get her out of the car without waking her. I slung my bag around me, and unbuckled her, and carefully tried to maneuver so that I could grab her lift her out.

**_I can't do anything about anything, but what I'm doing now. _**

"Oh Jackson Grace, how the hell did you get to be so big all of a sudden?!" I grumbled, wasn't it just yesterday that I could carry her and her teddy bear with one arm up an undisclosed flight of stairs? When had she actually grown up? Realizing that there was no way I was going to be able to do this without jostling her I was resigning to just waking her gently so she could climb out and walk inside on her own when I heard the low chuckle. I stood up straight and looked around. Walking up the driveway was Jax.

"What are you doing here? And what are you laughing about?" I asked, to say I was confused was an understatement. From the moment we arrived in town, hell on the drive here I had secretly hoped to run into him, to spend time with him and see if I was truly over him or if I had just convinced myself that I was after time and distance between us. The butterflies in my stomach told me I was a fool for thinking I would ever truly be over Jackson Teller.

"Well doc, you and Grace took off while I was on a business call. I figured I would stop over and say goodnight, and wish her good luck with school tomorrow. But it looks like she is out cold." He gave me that lopsided grin that when I was a teenager made me weak in the knees.

I will not blush, I will not blush!

"Yeah she is, but I have to wake her so I can get her out of the car." I said gesturing at our sleeping child. I was about to reach out and put my hand on her shoulder when Jax stopped me.

"Here, you get the bag and the door, I'll get her." He gestured for me to move and then scooped her up and out of the back seat like she weight nothing. He carried her up to the front door and waited for me to get the door unlocked.

"Hey you have mail." He whispered as he entered the front door and gestured to the mailbox on the outside of the house next to the door. I hadn't bothered to think of checking it, there wasn't anything that should have been delivered just yet. But sure enough there was an envelope, propped so the lid was sticking up slightly. I pulled it out and set it next to my bag as Jax carried our daughter into the living room and asked if he should take her to her room so I could get her into bed.

"Yeah, my old room." And I followed behind him as he walked carefully with her. He set her on the bed gently and I pulled her sneakers off. I figured she was too tired for me to bother worrying about pajamas tonight. I pulled back the sheets and shifted her so she was under the covers. I turned on the small lamp and kissed her goodnight. Jax had stepped back and was standing in the doorway watching as I pushed a strand of hair out of her face and placed one last kiss on her temple. "Good night precious girl. I will see you bright and early in the morning. " I walked toward the door and noticed that same grin on his face.

"What?" I asked, I was almost afraid of the his answer.

"Thank you." He reached out and put both his hands on my shoulders. "Thank you for saving my son, and for being such an amazing mother to my girl. You don't know what it means to me to see this. To be a part of this, this simple moment just now."

**_Yeah I live with a lot of old regrets. But I've just gotta keep on looking up ahead. _**

I give a slight chuckle. There was nothing momentous about what he had seen, no magic routine, nothing special or significant. I looked at him as though he was slightly insane, but he began to shake his head.

"No, you don't understand. And now is not the time for me to try and explain it. The time I have spent with her has been great, I am glad I get that chance. And I would like to ask you for a chance. A chance to be your friend. We were always good at that. It came so easy when we were kids. Me looking out for you, you keeping me and Opie in line. I can never tell you how much I missed that over the last ten years. I don't think I even know exactly, but tonight at dinner, seeing you two across the table, it made me realize that I miss you. " I didn't know how to respond, and I don't know if he took my lack of answer as an acceptance or what but the next thing I knew I pulled into his arms. Crushed against his chest, and it felt right. He squeezed me tight, and I knew I would be lying if I said I hadn't missed him too, and that I wouldn't be willing to accept his friendship if I couldn't have his love.

**_I'm just tryin to do the best I can. _**

"I missed you too Jax. Every day." I said with my cheek against his chest. His chin was resting at the top of my head, and he squeezed me tighter. And then it felt like he placed a chaste kiss against my hair. We stood there for several moments, neither one of us wanting to be the one to end this embrace that we both seemed to need. Finally I spoke again, " Alright, we better let her rest or she is going to be as feisty as your mother tomorrow. " I turned him away from her room and closed the door, and Jax gave a chuckle.

"She already is as feisty as Gemma, or haven't you noticed?" He stopped and looked down at me.

"Oh god she is isn't she?!" I said in mock surprise, Jax's gaze lingered for a heart beat too long in my book. And then he brought his hand up to my face. Placing his thumb at my chin, and lifting it up to meet his eyes. He seemed to be searching for something, much like Jac when she had been looking for him after dinner. My breath caught when he nodded, like he had found what he was looking for.

**_The best I can. I'm doing the best I can. I'm doing the best I can. _**

"I better get going doc. My friend needs to get some sleep so she can save more lives tomorrow." He released my chin, and then kissed my temple before turning and walking out the door. He had left me speechless.

Friends, friends. I could do friends with him. Sure. I just needed to look past the fact that he made me forget my own name when he was near me. "Oh Tara, you are so in over your head and you just got back." I whispered to myself. I made my way across the living room and locked the front door. I turned out the unnecessary lights and headed to the master suite which had been my parents' bedroom. It had been odd sleeping in here the first couple of nights, but it made me feel closer to them than I had in so many years.

**_Yeah, I'm just trying to do the best I can. The best I can. The best I can. I'm doing the best I can. _**


	10. The Road I'm On

**The Road I'm On**

**_She said life's a lot to think about sometimes. When you are living in between the lines. And all the stars they sparkle and shine every day. _**

It was a pitiful attempt at sleep. I tossed and turned all night long. And when I finally did find myself asleep I was awash in dreams that quickly turned to nightmares.

It was like viewing old home movies, but without the sound, only the pictures flashing before me. The earliest was us around Jac's age, playing and my father coming to get me from the Winston's, he was crying. Piney tried to comfort him and my father lashed out, pushing him and then grabbing me by the arm to pull me way from Jax and Opie. Jax tried to pull me back, and my father shouted something, but I couldn't make it out. Jax let go of my hand and kicked my father in the leg, that resulted in my father picking me up and carrying me crying and kicking back to our house.

The next memory was a flash of us at the cemetery, but I was alone, off to the back and side of the larger group. I could see Jax, Gemma and JT, I felt the sorrow. Jax wouldn't cry. I remember how I had been the same way when we buried my mom. I tucked my feelings away until I was alone. But I was never really alone, Jax wouldn't allow it. I cried on his shoulder. And it appeared that it was time for me to repay that favor. I watched him, saw the struggle in his eyes. My father refused to go to the funeral, and didn't want me around 'those people'. Jax was my friend, and I had to be there. Piney had offered to bring me, but dad had refused to allow me to go. So while he was passed out from a bender, I dressed and walked across town to the cemetery.

I had picked a couple of wild flowers on the way so when everyone went up and placed the white roses on the casket I brought my sad wilted flowers. I turned to head back to my spot away from the crowd when Gemma began to sob, looking at the flowers I had placed. It was later that JT told me that Thomas used to pick those same flowers when he was out with Jax and they would put them in little dixie cup vases and leave them on the table for Gemma. After that he told me where I could find Jax sitting on the roof of the club house all alone.

He and I talked until JT called for us to come down, my father had woken and found me gone. Chief Unser had convinced him to stay home and wait as he had an idea where I could be found. JT offered to take me home, but Unser said that my father was not in a good place, and it was better that no one else see it. Gemma refused to let me go home if he was like that, that it wasn't safe. Piney and Opie agreed to head out at the same time, keep an eye and ear just in case. It was the only way Gemma would let me leave with Unser. Jax held my hand until Unser put me in the cruiser.

The next flash was at the cemetery again. I was in the same spot, same situation, my father had refused to allow me to go with the Winstons, Gemma had even called. I waited for him to go out, heading to the Hairy Dog as usual. As soon as the car was gone, I head out the same route. Picking the same wild flowers. I cried for the loss of a man who seemed to be the glue to hold so many people together. When I found Jax later, he was angry. We sat in silence, it seemed to be what he needed. It was about a week later that he finally seemed to reach his boiling point. Opie and I had gone to his house to check on him. I found him in the back yard, Opie was right behind me but when I saw Jax sitting with his head in his hands I told Opie to hold off a second and wait. I sat by him, and told him that I was for him. He yelled, told me that he and Opie weren't really my friends that they had only felt sorry for me. There had been other hurtful things, and when I walked away from him Opie looked angry. He wanted to punch Jax for saying the things he had. I just shook my head. Clearly Jax was hurting, and I would respect his request. Opie and I left, and I saw Gemma watching us go.

The last one that came, the one that had me gasping and in a cold sweat when I woke, was not a memory that included Jax, though it had pertained to him. Josh was looming over me, yelling. Jac had spent the night at a friend's because I had a double shift at the hospital. I had just walked in the apartment when he pulled me into my bedroom. I don't know how he had gotten in. I opened my eyes to see him there, over me. He was yelling about us finally becoming a family. He held me down and as he forced himself into me. I didn't scream, I didn't call out, I barely registered the single tear that had escaped and rolled down my cheek. Afterward he cooed in my ear about us being together and the family we would raise. How he would take care of me, and not abandon me like the outlaw biker who would be getting what he deserved. I never spoke, just listened as he prattled on about RICO and the cases that were building against them. Josh fell asleep next to me taking my silence for acceptance of his plans for our future. While he slept I called a friend at a clinic, and scheduled an appointment. I contacted my lawyer's office and left a frantic message asking for an appointment. Jac needed to be protected.

**_He said life's so hard to move in sometimes. When it feels like I'm towin' the line. And no one even cares to ask me why I feel this way. _**

I woke to the sun starting to come into the window, my alarm went off but I felt like I had barely gotten to sleep. I got myself up and ready for the day and then woke Jac and told her to shower quickly. I got some clothes together for her, and headed to the kitchen to make breakfast. Upon opening the fridge and cabinet I saw just what Gemma meant my stocking up. Jac and I were set for a good chunk of time. I would have to pay Gemma back, this was way more than I had expected. Each cabinet was full, and the fridge had plenty as well. It was a mix of Jac's favorites, mine as well but then there were little things that neither of us had had when we were in Chicago, things that Jax would have when we were kids. I don't know if it was Gemma buying out of habit thinking that Jac would like them, or if she felt that her son would be spending time here so she would be sure there were things he liked here for him. Before I knew it Jac was at the table asking just for cereal so that she wouldn't be late.

There was a light knock on the door, and Jac got up to answer it.

"Sit. Eat your breakfast." I told her. I took the mug of coffee I had made myself and went to check and see who was at the door. I assumed it was Piney checking on us from last night. But found Jax looking a bit haggard.

"Morning. What are you doing here?" I asked. And is response was to look at me like I had seven heads. He then looked at the mug in my hand.

"You got anymore of that?" He sounded like he hadn't slept his voice scratchy and full of exhaustion.

"Yeah. Come on in, I was getting Jac ready for school." I moved from the door so he could enter the house, went into the kitchen and set to making him a cup of coffee. He watched me from the door way, and then sat down across from Jac.

"So darlin' you ready for your first day?" He asked eyeing Jac's half eaten bowl of cereal. "Hmmm...if I know your grandmother, when she got that, she also got..." He stood and when to the cabinet. I don't know how he remembered but on the first try he went to the cabinet that contained the cereal boxes and pulled out the one that I had recognized as one he liked when we were kids. "Yes! Way to go grandma." He pulled a bowl from the next cabinet and poured the cereal in the bowl. Jac and left the milk on the table and I handed him a spoon. Along with the mug of coffee. He was grinning like a little kid as he sipped the coffee then looked up at me. "You remember?"

**_I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone. That's the same road, the same road that I'm on. _**

"Remember what?" I pulled a notepad and began writing a 'To Do' list for around the house so that I could take care of the things that needed to be done between shifts. If we were sticking around I would need to make this house our home.

"My coffee, two sugar, no milk. You remember." He said he gave me a smirk that made the butterflies start up.

"That's how mom drinks it." Jac said as she put a spoon full of cereal to her mouth. I felt like she was conspiring here. Last night I noticed it, and now. Did she think she was going to push us together by pointing these little things out?

"You never drank coffee, you used to hate it. Mind you, you made the best fuckin' coffee ever. Chibs can't make it for shit at the shop, way too strong. And Half Sack can't figure it out to save his life." He sipped and watched me for my response.

"I needed it to get through school. I figured it got you through prospecting, so maybe it might help with raising a baby and taking college courses. I guess it worked and I developed a bit of an addiction to it." I said with a shrug. "I tried it black, with milk, one sugar, any way possible. This was how I liked it best."

Jac finished her cereal and put the bowl in the sink. "Alright, I'm set, are you still taking me to school today?"

**_He said life's a lot to think about sometimes. When you keep it all between the lines. Of everything I want and I want to find, one of these days. _**

Jax finished his bowl and did the same thing, "Yup come on darlin'." I looked at him confused. "What? You thought I just came here for coffee and Coco Puffs? It's not every day that my girl starts school around here." I picked up my bag and the envelope that from last night and stuck it in my bag to look at later.

"Okay. Well then let's get going. Tomorrow you ride the bus. " The three of us were walking out door when I noticed the pickup truck in the drive way next my car. "Is that yours?" I asked.

"Yeah, normally I'm on the Dyna, but I figured today I would drive the truck. Hop in darlin'." He said as he opened the cab door for Jac and I.

"Okay well just so you know I have to be to the hospital after dropping her off, so if you bring me back I will get my car." I started to tell him and he cut me off as he started the truck.

"I have to go see the little man, so I'll just take you there."

**_What you thought was real in life somehow steered you wrong. Now you just keep drivin' tryin' to find out where you belong. _**

"But I have to pick Jac up after school," and I again my protest was shot down.

"I'll get her and bring her back to the hospital. She can see her brother before she has to go to the daycare." He shot me a glance, and I nodded.

"'Gemma. She told you about me having Jac in the daycare and she wants you to talk me out of it."

"Nah, darlin. I'm not going to talk you out of it. You know what is best for our girl. But I do want to spend some time with my girls. You okay with that? Friend?" He said looking over Jac's head at me.

"I suppose I can't argue with that." I said. We rode the rest of the way to the school in silence. Once we parked, and started to climb out of the truck I noticed that Jax took his kutte off. I raised an eyebrow when he noticed me watching.

**_I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone. That's the same road, that's the same road that I am on. _**

"The school developed a code of conduct including a dress code, that students and parents have to adhere to. Opie mentioned it, his kids go to school here. I guess it had something to do with students several years ago? Go figure. " I laughed knowing full well that he was referring to himself, and Opie. I also had a feeling it had to do with graduation, when he and Opie and the rest of the club showed up wearing their kuttes. They all knew full well that my father wouldn't be there, either he would be sleeping off a bender, or he would be out celebrating on his own at the Hairy Dog. They didn't want me to walk across the stage without someone there to cheer when my name was called as Valedictorian.

We walked into the elementary school and then into the office, we needed to know which class they had put Jac so that she knew where to go. Jax took a piece of paper and scribbled a note saying he would be picking her up at the end of the day. The secretary directed us to the classroom and gave us the teacher's name. Jax smirked.

"What?" I asked a little nervous about the look on his face.

"Opie said one of his kids has this teacher." I turned and looked at him.

"Opie and Donna have a kid in this class? Time out. Are you telling me Donna was pregnant then too?" I asked stopping in the middle of the hallway.

Jax shrugged, "You didn't stick around" and then he leaned in to add so only I could hear him "Clearly while your dad was updating you as to where my dick had been, he neglected to tell you about your friends. And you never bothered to stay in contact with them." I flinched, it hurt to be reminded that while I left to do what was right for me and Jac I had left other behind.

**_What you thought was real in life somehow steered you wrong. Now you just keep drivin' tryin' to find out where you belong. _**

We arrived at the classroom door, and knocked. The teacher was about Gemma's age, and greeted us. "You must be Jackson Grace. I'm Mrs. Roosevelt. It is nice to meet you." She smiled at Jac and then turned her attention to us, "You must be Mr. Teller and Dr. Knowles. It is nice to meet you both as well. " She shook our hands and informed us that the rest of the students would be arriving soon. "What would you prefer I call you in class? All the school paperwork will of course have her full name. " She went from looking at Jac to both Jax and I.

"Um, everyone seems to have some version of my name. But I like Jackson Grace. It pisses my grandmother off when my grandfather uses my first name. " She said it, and she sounded like Jax at that age.

"Not appropriate young lady. " I corrected Jac regarding her language and the bit about Gemma and Clay. Jax laughed but apologized to the teacher.

"I'm sorry. My stepfather did make that comment. But only because Jackson is my first name as well. Her grandmother calls her Grace to avoid confusion between who she is talking to."

Mrs. Roosevelt nodded. "Okay Jackson Grace, I'm going to have you sit right here. The young lady next to you is Ellie Winston. And again Jax looked at me and smirked. Oh great, this could turn out to be another Teller Winston connection.

**_I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone. That's the same road, that same road that I am on. _**


	11. Someone Like You

**Someone Like You**

**_I heard that you settled down. That you found a girl and you're married now. _**

Jax brought me to the hospital, and I suggested that he wait while I checked in on Abel. I was the one who had brought him the news about his son being born, it only felt right that I be the one to bring him the news about how he was fairing after the overnight recovery from his surgery. I checked in at the nurse's station to see what had happened with Wendy, and then entered the NICU and checked Abel's charts and checked on him physically. He was still in his incubator, but he looked like his color was more normal. Everything looked to be in the clear.

I went out to the waiting room to tell Jax. He had been pacing the waiting area, and looked up as soon as he heard the doors swing open. I couldn't help but smile at him, this caused him to let out a sigh as I approached.

"It looks like he is going to make a full recovery. He will still need some time here, but it looks like he might be out of the incubator in a couple of days. It looks good Jax, it looks real good." I couldn't keep the happiness out of my voice. Just the other day this little baby had only been given a 20% chance to survive, and now he is chance had not only doubled by increased by leaps and bounds.

**_I heard that your dreams came true. Guess she gave you things I didn't give you. _**

Jax let out a gasping breath and then grabbed me in a hug. "He's gonna be okay? You mean he's really gonna make it? Thank you. Thank you. "

The embrace lasted a breath too long, my body began to become aware of his closeness, his hand holding my head, with his fingers in my hair. His other hand on my side, with his muscular bicep holding me across my back. His chest was far more developed than when we were teenagers, I can remember him being fit back then, but time and manual labor had added more to him. I could feel that it was more defined. I could hear his heart beating, his smell filled my nostrils and triggered my pulse to quicken. I heard him inhale deeply and then kiss the top of my head. He broke the embrace and backed away with his hands holding my shoulders. He looked into my eyes, and I feared I would fall and be lost for good in his. He removed his grip on me and ran a hand over his face. I felt the loss of his touch immediately. This was getting to be too much already. I needed to put space between us. We had agreed to be friends. I wasn't here to be with him. I needed a space place, and I needed Jac to get to know her father, and for him to know her.

"Also, Wendy is in a sedated detox. She'll be unconscious for a couple of days. From there she is going to a rehab center." I left out the part about her ODing last night, using a syringe that someone had snuck into her room and that it was full of the same drug that nearly killed her and his son.

**_Old friend, why are you so shy? Ain't like you to hold back, or hide from the light. _**

He nodded, and then said he needed to call Gemma and let them know that Abel was going to be okay. I let him know that he could go back and see Abel. He smiled, and thanked me. Then I lead him back to see his son. I gave them time alone. Checking in on other patients, and just forcing myself to stay away from the NICU and the Teller men. I kept myself busy for a couple of hours, but my rounds ended up bringing me by the quiet wing of the unit. Instead of Jax I found Gemma sitting in the rocking chair, reading a book. I wanted to smile at the scene, but I can't help but remember that this woman would go to any length to get what she wants. And yesterday she was sure that Wendy didn't deserve to live because of what she had caused this baby, and Wendy had nearly paid that price last night.

I made my way toward the nurse's station, I had found that most of them were very welcoming and liked the fact that there was a female doctor on the staff. I was talking about the morning visit to the school with a couple of them when my cell phone went off in my pocket. I pulled it out and looked at the number, it was a Chicago area code. It didn't register as any of the numbers I had programmed in when I had changed my number. I took the chance of answering even though my gut told me not to.

"Hello?"

"Hey! I'm glad I'm not sick. You're a tough doctor to track down." Josh's voice came through the other end and I snapped the phone closed. I stared at it for a moment, unsure that this had just happened.

**_I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited. But I couldn't stay away. I couldn't fight it. _**

"Hey you okay?" I looked up to see David Hale, a friend from high school standing next to me.

"Um, yeah. Work stuff." I said, knowing that he could probably sense the lie. David was a good cop, his bullshit radar had been fine tuned when were younger. He looked at me and shook his head.

"The Oswald girl?" He asked. I knew very little about the situation, but the daughter of one of Charming's prominent figures had been found out in the woods, after a day long search. Talk around the staff was that it looked like she had been beaten and raped. The poor thing was barely 14.

"Last door down the hall." I pointed him in the direction of her room. The Oswald's wanted things kept quiet, only one doctor and limited nursing staff were handling things, and he had personal security sitting outside of her room.

I was tempted briefly to ask David if a restraining order from Illinois would still be good here in Charming. I also knew asking that would cause David to ask questions I wasn't willing to discuss. I decided that if I didn't know the number I wouldn't be answering my phone, and that the number one thing on my 'To Do' list was to get a new phone and new number as soon as I could.

**_I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded. That for me, it isn't over._**

I kept myself busy until Jax arrived with Jac in tow. She seemed to be in a good mood, I asked how her day had gone and she told me all about her class.

"So Piney's granddaughter Ellie is in my class. She is pretty nice. Quiet, but that's okay. She said her dad hangs out with Jax a lot. I guess they are best friends. She asked if I had been to Fun Town, the carnival that is in town for the next week. Do you think we could go some time before it leaves? Oh and maybe could I hang out with Ellie some time, after school or on a weekend?" She was so excited to have made a friend. It only figured it would have had to be a Winston.

"Maybe, we'll see. I better get you down to daycare. Do you have homework that you need to get done? Are you hungry? We can stop in the cafeteria quick?" The call from Josh had me on edge, I wanted to keep her close to me for as long as possible, but I didn't want to make her nervous that something was wrong.

"I'm good, Jax got me drive through on the way over. Actually he was the one who wanted it. Something about a bad taste in his mouth. Whatever. And before you freak, I didn't get anything all that bad." She rolled her eyes at me. I draped my arm across her shoulders and lead her down to the staff daycare facility. She talked the whole way about school and getting to know Ellie. It made my heart just a little lighter to hear her sound so happy.

**_Nevermind, I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you too. Don't forget me, I beg, I'll remember you said: "Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead". Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead. Yeah. _**

After I dropped her off, I headed back up to do some more rounds and check in on Abel again. The NICU and newborn nursery were quickly becoming my favorite areas on the pediatric floor. There was something calming about being around them. And Abel, well he just tugged at every fiber of my being much like Jac did as a baby. I kept telling myself that it was because I had been there to assist with his delivery, and then with the operations for his belly and heart. I would of course he lying if I didn't admit that part of the draw had something to do with the fact that he was Jackson Teller's child. I found Jax sitting there, reading the same book Gemma had been reading earlier. I couldn't help but wonder if he would have read that book to Jac. What would things have been like if I had stayed? What if I had come back sooner? The what if's piled up a mile high, but there was nothing that could be done about the past. I could only work toward the present and a different future than what I had feared for myself and my child ten years ago. I watched Jax for a while, and then headed back to the nurse's station to check in again. I was signing off on some papers when my phone rang. Again it was a Chicago area code, but the number was different. I didn't answer. If I could have turned the damn thing off I would have. Part of me wanted to drop it down the incinerator shoot. I definitely needed a new phone and number as soon as possible.

Much like earlier, David appeared as if sent by a higher power in this time of need. He was coming from the Oswald's room. He was frustrated because the investigation into what happened and who had done this to their daughter was being held up by their refusal to allow him to talk to her.

**_You know how the time flies. Only yesterday was the time of our lives. We were born and raised in a summer haze. Bound by the surprise of our glory days. _**

"They think they are protecting her by building a wall around her."

"Tristen needs to talk to somebody."

"I need something, anything to help catch this guy so we aren't doing this with another girl."

"I know Karen needs to sign some insurance forms, I'll try to get an admin to keep her busy for a while."

"Thank you."

"I need a favor too. More of a question really. It's going to sound very dramatic."

"Okay."

"If I had a restraining order against someone in another city would it still be valid if I went someplace else?"

"That all depends, every state's a little different. You think that someone might be coming here?"

"No, no I doubt it. There was this guy I dated during my internship in Chicago. Things got weird, he got a little. It's hard to explain."

"Well you want to give me his name? I'll run it through the system."

"No, no. It's okay. I'm just being paranoid."

"How long ago did you get the R.O.?"

"Ahh, about six or seven months ago."

"I'll make some general calls. See if it is still if it is still in play out here."

"Okay. Thanks."

**_I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it. I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded, that for me it isn't over. _**

I felt relief that we might have some protection still. It took so long for someone to take me seriously. Josh was an ATF agent. We met when I was doing a shift in the ER. His partner had been shot in the line of duty. It started as small talk, and then progressed to him stopping by the hospital to have coffee with me, then asking for my number. I kept him at bay for a while. Avoiding letting him know I had a child, not sure that I was even interested. But after a few months when I was sure he would have given up I decided if he was going to keep trying I could at least have dinner with him one night. I kept things simple, because of my schedule and his job it meant that I didn't see him much. Which worked out fine for a while. But then he wanted to get more serious. And it was then that he began to get weird, possessive. When he found out about Jackson, he began to question who I had been with. How had I made it through school alone. I avoided too much talk about Charming and Jackson's father. He hated that I had a tattoo from when I was younger. Questioned what the "Forever" meant.

**_Nevermind, I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you too. Don't forget me, I beg, I'll remember you said: "Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"._**

Once things turned bad I tried to end things. That only made things worse. The attack happened and the restraining order was put in place because I was able to have a rape kit done, complete with bruises from him restraining me. I had to wait to see if I would miss my period, but I took the necessary precautions with the morning after pill, but I there was no way to be certain. After six weeks the test came back positive, and I scheduled an appointment to have the pregnancy terminated. How he found out was beyond me, but he continued to contact me. Calling the hospital, my cell phone, that was when the opportunity to interview in Charming came up. A blessing in disguise.

**_Nothing compares, no worries or cares. Regrets and mistakes; they're memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?_**

As soon as my shift was over I picked Jac up and we headed out. I found myself double checking around us, and looking over my shoulder. Jac noticed.

"Mom? Everything okay? You seem stressed? Is Abel okay?" She asked and I realized she hadn't had a chance to stop by and see him.

"Hey tomorrow, do you want to do your homework in Abel's room? I'm sure he would like it. His surgeries went well and it looks like he is going to be okay. Some big sister time might do him some more good." In my head I knew it was just a way to keep her closer to me.

I had also caught word through the nurses that it was a Fun Town worker who had attacked Tristen Oswald, that in my mind took that option right off the table as something to do. But the Annual Taste of Charming was this weekend. Apparently Gemma had started it as a way to give back to the community, specifically the schools. Maybe I could use this as a way to get Jac to meet more kids and reconnect with Donna and Opie.

When we got to the house checked the mailbox, there was another envelop, my gut told me not to open it. Not to pull the first one out of my bag where it had been all day. I had Jac sit at the table while I made us a simple dinner. She prattled on more about her day, while she sketched in her book. She showed me some drawings she had done at school. She asked some questions about Jax and I from when we were kids.

"Listen little girl, don't go thinking you are going to create something here. Your father and I had our time. It didn't work out. We have decided to just stick to being friends. No scheming. You get to have both parents, but we talked about this. Not everyone family is the same. They don't all have two parents that live together. Not to mention your grandmother would have another heart attack if she thought the two of us were together. So clear any thought out of your head." I was wielding a wooden spoon while talking to her. She laughed but I was about as serious as I could be.

**_Nevermind, I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you. Don't forget me, I beg, I'll remember you said; "Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"_**

After dinner I sent her to get cleaned up and head to bed. I knew she was tired. I could see it. And as much as I knew I shouldn't open either one of the envelopes them being in my bag, in the house was getting to me. I didn't want her around when I finally did open them.

I had three more calls all from different Chicago numbers that had to be connected. No message, and it made me nervous. I looked in on Jac, she had fallen asleep with her sketchbook out and the window open a crack. My instinct was to close and lock the window. I kissed Jac goodnight, and was about to close her sketchbook when I saw what she had been working on. I flipped through the book, looking at some of the old sketches, and the new ones. She had drawn some of Jax, Gemma, and the guys. I know she wanted a big family, and maybe she had found it here. They all seemed to have taken to her, and in a way it made me feel better. They would go to the ends of the Earth to protect her. She was Jax's daughter, and she had won them over in one evening together. With that thought I went to my room closed the door and sat on the bed to open each envelope. One contained a dried pink rose pressed between blank paper. There was no return address, and it was just made out to T. Knowles. The second envelope was a picture, of Josh and I. I don't recall when it was taken, he was smiling I had a half smile. Clearly at a point where things were not right. This had to be his way of telling me that he could find me. But little did he know, I wasn't alone any more. My daughter's "family" would stand behind us. I took the two envelopes with their contents, took a picture of them and then went out to the back yard tossed them into the old grill and lit them on fire with one of the old bic lighters that my father or Jax had left in a junk drawer. I watched the flames destroy the items, in the morning I would get a new phone and I would have to have another talk with Jax. If Josh was trying to let me know he could get to me. I needed Jax to know that his daughter was going to need him in case anything happened to me.

**_Nevermind, I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you too. Don't forget me, I beg, I'll remember you said: "Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead". Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead. Yeah. _**


	12. Lego House

First off I would like to thank you all for your support with this story. The reviews help keep me writing. Life has prevented me from posting sooner. This was a hard chapter to write. I wanted to try and get some sense of Jackson Grace here. She is a kid who is a bit pissed off and the hand that life has dealt her. A medical issue has her activities limited, her mom works hard to take care of her, but she is missing out on that idea of family that others have.

* * *

**_Lego House_**

**_I'm gonna pick up these pieces and build a Lego house. If things go wrong we can knock it down. _**

Life so far had been a balancing act. I mean for so long it had only been me and mom. She busted her butt to take care of both of us. Me, mostly if I was honest about it. She always put herself last, not even second, just flat out last. She constantly worried, about me, about her patients, about what was going on with that crazy douche bag Josh. And when she had a free moment she worried about my dad. When I was little I would ask where he was, because everyone else had a dad, grandfather, stepdad, or uncle around, and she would tell me stories about them when they were young. I never understood if that meant he wasn't around because he didn't want to be, couldn't be, if he didn't want me, didn't want her, didn't want us both, was he dead. I knew from what she told me that I looked like him, and that he and I shared a genetic heart condition, it had killed my uncle who I was partly named for. Some days I got mad at her, for purposely naming for people that brought her grief. She cried after she talked to me about my dad and Uncle Tommy. She didn't know that I heard her, I let her think she had me convinced that she was super mom holding it all together, and maybe true strength was the ability to hold it together the way she did.

I don't know when exactly I started searching things out for myself, I just remember finding a copy of a newspaper article on the internet with a picture of him. There is he was, alive and well. Okay maybe not well, he was handcuffed and in some kind of trouble. It pissed me off, and while I didn't want mom to know that I had been snooping to find information on him it was hard not to restrain myself one evening when she spontaneously started in on a story about him and her friend Opie and how something I had said reminded of him. "Yeah well, maybe if cared more about me than about his damn MC then I would give a crap about him!" I had yelled at her, something I never did. But since he had decided not to be in my life, I wasn't interested in hearing anymore about him. I of course had a lot of explaining to do after she was done yelling at me for talking to her the way that I had.

**_My three words have two meanings. There's one thing on my mind. It's all for you. _**

After that, she gave me the whole truth. It still didn't endear him to me, sure all the old stories were funny and I had to admit I was like him, and I was still curious about him and where my mom had come from, but that he would let her leave, that I didn't understand. She told me one day it would make sense. I felt like I was going to be waiting a long time for that day to come.

We maintained a simple routine. Until I got medical clearance, no sports that could cause heart issues. I had learned really early on that I liked art, drawing. Mom thought that my creative side came from him, because working even though he worked as a mechanic true skill was taking a hunk of metal and make it into something amazing, her words, not mine. I liked different things, and anything sports related well I had to stick to watching and drawing. It sucked, but I knew about all the best teams, players, stats for games. I didn't have a lot of friends, I kept to myself most of the time. So when mom said we were moving to Charming, California I was okay with it.

**_And it's dark in a cold Decemeber, but I've got you to keep me warm. If you're broken I will mend you and I'll keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now. _**

Part of me figured we were moving because of Josh, mean we had already moved twice, changed the locks, and phone numbers. I'm 9, not dumb. The closer we got to my mom's childhood home, the more nervous we both got. She was afraid of what was going to happen when he found out about me. And I was afraid that he was going to do nothing, that after ten years it wasn't going to matter.

I kept an eye on any internet postings from the local newspaper that might give any hints about him, or things there. I knew enough about my father so that when we headed to Charming I had more to go on that just the cheesy stories my mom told. I was prepared.

**_I'm out of touch, I'm out of love. I'll pick you up when you're getting down. And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now. I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind. I'll do it all for you in time. And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now, now. _**

But I wasn't prepared for the exacts of things once they happened. Our first morning he was there sitting on the porch steps. He looked just like the photos I had found. I know mom had been nervous. She had told "Piney" our neighbor everything. I guess he had looked out for her has a kid and growing up because my grandfather hadn't been very good at taking care of her. I spent my first full day in Charming sitting around at the Teller-Morrow Garage where my dad worked as a mechanic. He was about as interested in me being there as I was. I pulled out my Ipod and listened to music while I drew different pictures. I had drawn plenty of him based on the pictures I had found, but seeing him at work was different. About an hour or two after sitting on the floor I had to get up and move around. He never noticed, a couple of the other guys around the shop did. I looked just like him, but he didn't know who I was, not really so he just told them I was a friend's daughter that he was asked to keep an eye on while she started a new job. Yeah cause that doesn't sound suspicious at all.

**_I'm gonna paint you by numbers. And color you in. If things go right we can frame it and put you on a wall. _**

One of the younger guys that worked there, saw me move to a spot in the sun and out of the way of the cars and motorcycles.

"Hey kid. You've been here a while. Have you had anything to eat?" His shirt said his name was Kip.

"I had breakfast before I got here," I looked at my watch my med alarm would go off soon and I had to have food of some kind with it and as if on cue my stomach growled. "Is there a vending machine of anything around here? I could use crackers or something."

"Um no vending machine, but I could grab drive through or something. I mean I feel kind of bad that you have been just sitting around here all morning." He looked over toward my dad, "Your mom is a friend of Jax's, so um, well he'd probably be okay with me making sure you had lunch. He'll be working on that bike for a while. Why don't you hang at that table over there and I'll be back in a few. Anything in particular you prefer?" Kip spoke, he sounded nervous, but he seemed to be acting like taking the initiative to feed me would be looked positively upon. As he was heading to the truck, I noticed he put on a sleeveless leather vest that said "Prospect". Mom had talked about how my dad had to do all kinds of jobs for the older guys in the motorcycle club when he was a prospect. Kip's willingness to get me lunch suddenly made more sense.

**_And it's hard to say it but I've been here before. Now I'll surrender up my heart, and I'll swap it for yours._**

I sat at the picnic table and drew in my book. Kip was back in about 10 minutes, he went into the warehouse looking building behind me to grab me a cup and a plate so that I didn't "have to eat off the dirty table". When he came back and tried to make sure I was all set I nodded and told him "I'll put in a good word with him." He grinned and shrugged his shoulders.

"I've only been prospecting a few months, you put that good word in for me in about six months. If you need anything, let me know." Kip smiled and seemed to relax a bit. One of the older guys, Tig, was watching the two of us. I put my headphones on while I ate and about 20 minutes later when I down to just a few fries left and back to doodling he finally noticed I was gone. I caught it out of the corner of my eye, he tensed and looked around. It was that look of someone who had lost something important. For a moment I figured it wasn't even me that he was looking for, maybe he had dropped something on the ground for the bike and couldn't find it. The guy Tig who had been eyeing me the whole time I sat here gestured in my direction and Jax turned looking. Huh, I guess he was looking for me. I pretended not to notice.

**_I'm out of touch, I'm out of love. I'll pick you up with you're getting down. And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now. I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind. I'll do it all for you in time. And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now. _**

He strolled over to where I was sitting. It was his first attempt at small talk with me. It didn't really go well. Mostly we discussed my drawings. At one point he had the nerve to ask me about my dad.

"Where is your dad, kid?" He asked.

I wanted to shout at him, scream You are my dad! Are you blind?! Instead I took my book from him and flipped a couple of pages and then turned it back to so he could see.

"Right there. Anymore questions?" I had shown him a drawing of my mom's tattoo, the one she got when they were together. It was supposed to be her symbol of being marked his forever. Her crow. Apparently he had added the design of his name, Jackson, and the word Soulmate in Irish Gaelic.

He ran a hand across his face, the color drained right out of it. "Shit."

Well I guess that says it all. I couldn't help but quirk an eyebrow again.

I then turned the book back toward me and closed it and then quietly said "I was born with it, you didn't ask about that, just thought you should know."

I wanted nothing more than for him to leave me alone sitting at that table. Hell I'd take Kip or even that guy Tig's company over his right now.

**_Don't hold me down. I think my braces are breaking, and it's more than I can take. _**

"My mom will be here soon, you don't have to pretend to babysit me anymore. I know you have work to do. It's okay, I won't move from this spot until she gets here. And I won't talk to anyone. I'll blend like always."

He got up and walked away. Tig said something to him, he looked over his shoulder at me and shrugged. Kip checked in on me before heading out in the tow truck. About 30 minutes later he came back in the truck with the remains of what was an expensive car. There was a deer sticking out of the windshield. I He parked so I couldn't really see deer anymore, but he went and got one of the other guys. Chibs is what he had yelled out, and the guy turned. I made note of the name, just in case I ever needed to talk to him. Together they figured out a way to get Jax's attention and then it was the three of them huddled around the car. I figured they were trying to come up with away to get the deer out of the car.

The next thing I knew he was rushing me to the truck Kip had driven. "Come on kid, you need to come with me. Hopefully your mom is done and won't be pissed about you being with me."

He was giving Tig some lame story in case my mom showed up there. But I could tell he wasn't buying it.

**_And it's dark in a cold December, but I've got you to keep me warm. If you are broken I will mend you and I'll keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now. _**

"So if some random chick shows up looking for a kid, is there a name that I should know as proof that it is the right one?" Jax hadn't used my name all day. I wanted to laugh. He had never asked, and no one had bothered to tell him at any point what my name was.

"Grace-Thomas." I called over to him. Better keep it simple for now. He nearly freaked out when he saw the picture of mom's tatoo. I could only imagine what would happen when he got my full name.

"Okay, see you around Grace Thomas. Hey, Jax, call if you need anything. " He said as Jax got in the truck and started it up. He drove pretty fast out of the lot and through town to where hospital was.

"What's your whole name darlin'? I'm not as dumb as Tig, you clearly left something out. " He turned to look at me while driving faster than necessary.

"My whole name? You sure you are ready for that? You didn't take things so well regarding who my dad was." He looked like he was going to be sick.

"Yeah, lay it on me darlin'. I'd like to know what I should have referred to you all day as. Not to mention, my mom is going to be at the hospital when we get there. And she is way more observant that those guys at the shop and clubhouse. She's gonna take one look at you and know something is up. I better have a name to introduce you as should she lay eyes on you before your mom and I get a chance to talk." Yup, he was going to lose it alright, and now he bought up another factor. My grandmother. Well better to just lay it on him.

"Jackson Grace-Thomas Teller. My friends call me Grace, and my mom calls me Jac." I said waiting for him to either throw up or have a heart attack right here in the truck.

"Nice to meet you darlin'. I'm Jackson Nathaniel Teller." He was quick to recover. Interesting. It took several minutes before he spoke again. "By the way, why did you leave out your first and last name when you said it to Tig?" He asked.

"I told you, my mom told me all her stories. I had an idea about who he was. I'm 9, but I'm not stupid." I said as we pulled into the parking lot at St. Thomas.

"Okay, Grace, brace yourself. I don't know what the hell is going on but if Gemma is here, she's probably going to pounce once she sees you." This was a clear warning that I was to stay out of the way so that no one saw me.

When we approached the entrance I made sure to stay several paces behind him, and off to the side. It was less likely to look like I was walking in with him, he didn't seem to notice too caught up in trying to figure out what must have been going on that he got called here. We entered at the Emergency waiting room he checked to see where we should head and the woman at the desk sent us up to the third floor. I followed but made sure not to look like I was actually with him when we got off the elevator heading toward another waiting area and I grabbed a chair to sit. A woman I recognized from pictures ran up to Jax. She was speaking fast, and I couldn't make out everything. At one point during their talk she looked over at me. I think it was just the fact that I was there that drew her attention, she didn't really seem curious about me. And her gaze moved away from me as quickly as it came. A nurse must have called back to say that Jax was here because my mom came out to speak to him. She saw me, and looked a bit shocked but neither Jax or his mom Gemma noticed. They talked for a few minutes. I decided to be bold and asked the nurse at the main desk in the waiting area where the newborn nursery was.

**_I'm out of touch, I'm out of love. I'll pick you up when you're getting down. And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now. I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind. I'll do it all for you in time. And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now. _**

"My mom is a doctor here, I just was wondering if I could look in the nursery window. I hate being stuck in waiting for her shifts to end. Looking at the babies makes it less boring." I gave her my cutest smile hoping she would direct me to the correct area. She grinned.

"You must be Doctor Knowles little girl, she said you might end up here some point today. Head through the double doors and make a right. Then half way down the hall. I'll let her know you are here."

"Thank you." The three of them were so wrapped up in their conversation they never noticed me walk away. I was pressed up against the glass, looking at all the babies and wondering what it would have been like to have spent my whole life here in this town. I also started thinking about the fact that we had come up to the maternity ward. It was while deep in that thought that those three that I had left discussing whatever was happening came through the same way I did. Mom lead them to the opposite end of the hall way. I wanted to listen, and watch what was going on. I started to move that way and saw mom and the woman Jax called Gemma look like they were about to have it out right there in the middle of the hallway. I took advantage and walked over to Jax who was looking into the NICU window. I saw the tag on the side of the incubator glass. "Baby Boy Teller", he was tiny and Jax looked like he was going to lose it.

"He's tiny. But I've seen smaller. I bet he is a survivor too." I couldn't help be feel this little warmth in my chest of this little guy, technically he was my little brother. Well half-brother but it didn't really matter to me. And Jax looked like he could use the reassurance so I added, "We survived it right? Why shouldn't he?"

"Jackson, what are you doing here?" Mom's voice sounded nervous. She had to be freaking out because Gemma had just been here. I could see the questions in her expression, does he know for sure, who else knows, now what?

"She's reminding me that if the flaw didn't kill her or me than her brother should be able to survive it too. We need to talk Doc, this isn't the time. But this conversation needs to happen." I saw him look down at me in the refection of the window glass. Was that his way of claiming me has his child for sure? Then he pulled me close to his side and kissed the top of my head.

"Thanks darlin'. I'll see you again soon. Hey, do me a favor. Draw him for me, but without the tubes. Something I can put in my bay. Think you can do that? Oh and I want that one of the Soft tail you did earlier. Classic." He turned to mom at this point. And I took it as the okay to feel like I might actually matter to him at some point. I smiled that the thought that just maybe I would finally have that family thing that others had. I mean he did just say refer to this little baby as my brother.

"Hell yeah I can." Even if my parents could get their acts together any time soon, or ever, at least I was going to get the chance to have a little brother. And sitting here watching him sleep and planning out all the things I would get to do with him one day, I was all about that. Jax turned toward mom while I pulled a chair up to the window and took out my sketchbook.

"Piney dropped her off with me earlier. Don't worry no one else knows yet. Though I think Tig might be smarter than I ever realized." He seemed to want to ease her mind.

"You think?" I didn't look up at either one of them. I just wanted to concentrate on seeing this little brother of mine. Adults just don't get it some days. They talked some more and then Jax went out to the waiting area. Mom came over and stood by me.

"How's it going?" She was looking at the sketchbook.

"Fine. So you helped deliver him?" I kept my attention on my brother.

"Yeah, he's got a rough road ahead. I don't want to give you false hope here kiddo. Not with Jax, and not with this little man. Teller men, they find a way into your heart but getting them out that's where it hurts. And there is a lot that comes with them. You will see soon enough." With that being said she went off to finish her rounds. It wasn't long before she was back, and my picture was done. I wasn't sure how I was getting it to Jax without dealing with all those people seeing, and then mom handed me the folder. She was scribbling something on a slip of paper. Then she put it in the folder with my drawing.

**_I'm out of touch, I'm out of love. I'll pick you up when you're getting down. _**

We headed out, I turned and looked back at my little brother. He would be okay.

"You later Abel Teller."

**_And out of these things I've done, I will love you better now. _**


	13. Ode To A Friend

**_Ode To A Friend_**

Shifting through the files I was pissed. She wasn't answering my calls. Didn't she understand? Why does she keep doing this? Then I found the folder on the Sons of Anarchy, there must be something here. There must be. Scanning through the records in the file I came across a name that was familiar. I pulled Tara's file again. There is was Jackson Teller. Jackson, son of a bitch! This was the guy, this was the reason she wouldn't settle down with me. This was why she went running back. Well I was going to take care of things and get her back here with me. Where she belonged.

**_I don't mind if you stay longer. You have not been any trouble. I don't want you to go home yet, can you stay just ten more minutes._**

It had been a long week, I was looking forward to finishing my shift and going to the Taste of Charming event that Gemma was in charge of. Ellie and Grace had hit it off at school pretty quickly, and Donna had stopped over the other evening asking if Grace could spend the night at the Winston house. The look on Grace's face was enough to make me agree, and Donna's excitement to rekindle our friendship. Donna said they would pick both girls up from school, and that on Saturday they were planning to attend the Taste of Charming since Gemma talked Opie into using his pyrotechnic skills to do the firework display. Figured meeting them there to see the fireworks and playing nice with Gemma would be a good thing.

Earlier I had seen Wendy when she was finishing up with some of the lawyers for the hospital. She had been unconscious from the overdose and now that she was awake the hospital wanted to make sure there would be no liability issues before she was sent for rehab. Wendy looked at me and laughed.

"The two women who loved Jackson Teller," she laughed again "Could we be at more opposite ends of the shit spectrum?"

I asked her what she meant by that and she stated that if I didn't know then we weren't as different as I thought. Her statement bothered me, but she didn't know that Jax had been spending time with Grace and I. When he wasn't with the club, then he was with Abel and he welcomed Grace to spend time with him as well. A couple of times he brought her home while I finished a shift and they had dinner and I got leftovers. The two of them seemed to be bonding and it was nice to see Grace getting to know her father. I knew I needed that bond to happen so that when I told Jax about Josh his commitment to her would guarantee her safety.

As much as I hoped I wouldn't need to have the conversation, it was becoming clear that I would need to have it soon. Yesterday morning I found pink rose petals on my windshield. At first I ignored it. Thinking it was only a few petals and they could have gotten there any number of ways. I had even received a photo of Jax and some random blonde in an envelope delivered to me at the hospital. That couldn't be ignored by some random occurrence. Later that afternoon while walking back from the cafe content on heading toward the NICU, I suddenly felt like I was living a personal nightmare. Sitting in one of the chairs looking down the hallway in my direction was Josh. I began to mentally freak out.

"What are you doing here?" I asked trying to keep my voice from shaking. David had said that my restraining order was still good.

"Can we talk? I just wanted to give you a heads up. Let you know I'm in town. I'm here on business." Josh said with his hands up in a defensive position.

"What business?"

"It's an interstate weapons case. I shouldn't be telling you this. Originated in South Chicago, big arms deal led back here. Sons of Anarchy are involved."

"The rose petals and the sick photo, they business too?" I snapped. I was so tired of being scared of him. And deep down I knew, Jax would kill him if he knew anything about him.

"No. I just know you really love pink roses." He said so confidently I wanted to scream at him that I disliked roses, and hated the pink ones. He knew so little about me, all he knew was this image he had created in his mind about what I was like, a delusion really.

"And I don't want to see you get hurt, Tara, not by that guy."

"I'm not with him."

"First love dies hard."

"That restraining order is still in effect. You come near my house or you come to my work again, and I will file a police report."

"Actually, my federal jurisdiction takes precedence over a state-ordered mandate. But I understand how you feel. I promise, no more contact. It's been good talking to you. I miss that." He then proceeded to walked down the hallway away from me.

Today I had not heard from him, I had hoped that maybe he was just in the area on business. A small part of me knew that it was too good to be true. And once I got to the Taste of Charming event I realized why. Walking through the field of the school where the event was taking place there were booths set up for food and crafts for sale. There was a booth with raffle tickets, one for face painting, at another Bobby 'Elvis' one of the members of the motorcycle club was doing his Elvis impersonation while working with kids who were dressed as Elvis also. There were different event for kids, my eyes fell on Grace quickly as she participated in a water balloon toss game with Ellie and her brother. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Gemma keeping watch while tending her famous chili at a booth. Then her gaze went to a booth across the way, the one the Charming Police Department were running. There some of the officers who were not on duty were grilling burgers, hot dogs and sausages. David Hale was there in his uniform talking away to a man with his back turned at the grill. I recognized him right away. It was Josh. I froze where I was. Oh shit. I needed to get to Grace. Maybe he didn't know she was here. But what if he did? Something caused the hair to stand on the back of my neck. I could see Josh, but he hadn't seen me, but I felt the stare. Gemma. She had seen me, my face I am sure registered my concern. She watched me. Come on Tara get it together, I chastised myself.

Being sure to blend I headed toward Donna and the kids. Grace's eyes met mine once I sat down by Donna. Hers flicked briefly in the direction of where Josh was, and I just nodded. She continued playing. Donna wrapped an arm around me and my heart warmed. I had missed her so much while we had been gone.

"Hi." She said and I could hear her smile. I patted her hand that was on my shoulder.

"Hi. Thanks for bringing her. How was she? Not too much of a problem I hope. I'm so glad she and Ellie hit it off." I tried to sound relaxed.

"She was great. God Ellie hasn't been so happy in a long time. Op even seemed to lighten up. I think he has been so worried about the kids and making sure they are doing alright since he got out that he has been on edge." She said and then sighed while watching the kids.

"Got out? What happened?" I knew even when we were kids that Samcro came with the possibility of being on the wrong side of the law. I had seen the inside of a cell a time or two thanks to one Jackson Teller.

"He was found suspiciously wandering near a warehouse that caught fire. Apparently he had some kind of residue on him that matched what caused the fire. He was gone for five years. I know it had something to do with the club. Everything has to do with the damn club. When he came out I made him promise to earn straight, but we have been living hand to mouth. Gemma even bought some of my groceries one day when I couldn't afford everything I had. I had them take off what wasn't essential and when I was getting into the car Gemma came knocking on the window. She had a bag in her hand with all the things I hadn't been able to pay for. " She spoke frankly. I could tell that she hadn't had anyone to talk to about these things. I was glad I could be here for her now. It almost took my mind off the fact that Josh was here.

"What really gets me," Donna began and gestured in the direction of a man with a young girl not much older than Ellie and Grace, "That guy got out. I know he was with the club when Op was arrested. But he left. He hasn't been around in a while, not that I can recall. I think Kyle is his name. But if he could do it, then I think Op should be able to do it too."

**_You are my best friend. I don't know how I'd live. How I love you every square inch. Love your brown eyes, your forgiveness._**

I nodded, and squeezed her hand. Jax appeared with Opie carrying materials for the fireworks. The man that Donna had pointed out noticed them as well. He spoke to the girl and sent her over to a woman, possibly her mother while he walked toward Jax and Opie. After a moment Jax gave the two of them a nodded, and he headed toward the equipment for the fireworks while they headed into the school. Donna seemed to get some surge of determination as we watched this. She stood and headed toward Jax, I wanted to allow her the chance to say whatever she felt she needed to say to him, but I felt the need to stay close to them, on the chance that Josh took notice of me being here. I positioned myself so that I could see the kids, and feel Jax's presence without it being too obvious.

Kenny began playing with some of the boys running around with squirt guns. He managed to squirt Jax a couple of times before running off toward the girls.

"Little Harry looks like he knows his way around a gun." There was a joking tone to Jax's voice, but it appeared to be lost on Donna. "I'm kidding."

"Thanks for the crib money. Any little bit helps right now."

"Yeah, I get how rough it is for you guys. I know you've always had trouble wrapping your head around the M.C. life, but Samcro is the only..."There was concern in his voice. I wonder how bad it was for Donna. Could I have handled this?

"Your mom's already given me the "Samcro is the glue" speech." Donna sounded annoyed, this must have been what she was talking about when she mentioned the groceries.

"I'm not talking about you and Samcro. I'm talking about you and Ope."

"What happens with me and Opie is no one's business."

"You're wrong. He's my best pal. I love that guy more than anyone. But I see what's happening to him, and it scares the shit out of me. Opie can't be half in, half out. It'll get him killed, Donna."

"Then I want him out. That other guy got out, Kyle."

"Kyle was kicked out. You know why? Cause the night Opie was arrested for blowing up that truck yard, Kyle was supposed to be his getaway ride. Only that asshole panicked when he heard sirens."

"He left Opie behind. Opie never said anything."

"Cause Opie's not a rat. Brothers don't turn on each other. He did the time. It's what we do. Opie will never walk away from the club. We both know that. He's like me. It's all we know. It's in our DNA. If you keep pulling him in the other direction...We're not the glue, Donna. You are. " Jax's phone rang ending the conversation. Moments later he was headed toward the school, in search of Opie.

Donna come over toward me, she looked more frustrated than before. She stopped and crossed her arms standing next to me watching the kids. I decided she needed to take her mind of off of things.

"You want to hear something really shitty?" I asked. Part of me knew telling her would take a weight off my chest, but at what cost?

"You mean something shittier that being told in a roundabout way that my husband will never be free of Samcro? Sure bring it on." She gave a half hearted laugh. Clearly she needed a friend as much as I did right now.

"We need to sit, this is going to take a while." I directed her to a spot where I could see Grace, Josh and feel Gemma's glare on me as well. I let out a sigh as I watched the girls playing.

"Do you see the guy over at the CPD booth, at the grill talking to David?" I asked without actually looking up at him.

"The one wearing the 'kiss the cook' apron? What about him?" Donna looked over and then turned to me, her eyes penetrated me almost the same as Gemma's. How had I let go of my best friend? Why did I think that leaving her behind would be better?

"I would tell you that this stays between us, but if you and Opie are anything like you were when we were teenagers, he'll know before the sunsets." I said with a bit of a grin. Donna faked shock at my statement, but said nothing allowing me to continue.

"His name is Josh Kohn. He is an ATF agent. We dated briefly in Chicago. I have a restraining order out against him." Once I said it her head whipped from me to looking in Josh's direction. She listened to the rest of what I told her, and it made me sad for the time that I had lost with her. When I was done she hugged me, and then said the one thing I already knew but hearing it from her made it that much more real.

"You need to tell Jax. And you should probably tell David who his new best friend really is." Donna said looking over at Josh who seemed to have finally figured out I was here. I refused to look in his direction, I wouldn't have him thinking that he had any chance at slithering back into my life.

"Um, just a heads up. Gemma has clearly noticed something." Donna said to me and this caused me to turn and look in her direction. She was talking to Chief Unser and they both were looking in the direction of Josh, who was clearly looking at me.

"Oh geez. Just what I need. She'll be on this to no end now. How about you just put me out of my misery. " I sighed and turned back to watch the girls who were sitting in the grass, heads together almost conspiring. I remember when that was Donna and I. I sighed again.

"You know, I'd still go all Gemma for you. Bury the body where no one could find it. Just because you went away for a while doesn't mean you aren't still one of my best friends." Donna bumped my shoulder with hers. "I missed you. I would have been there for you if you had reached out to me. I'm still here for you."

I could feel the tears filling my eyes. I turned and looked at her, I could see that she meant it. "I'm so sorry I left like I did. I wish I could take it all back. I wish that I had held on to our friendship. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't have ended up with the shit I got myself into." I sniffled and then Donna hugged me and I hugged her back. "I'd go all Gemma for you too." With that said we both laughed, knowing that if Gemma ever knew that we compared becoming ridulously protective, and supportive of the people we cared about going 'Gemma' she would probably want to do bodily harm to us, and then take credit for it should the phrase catch on.

**_Don't go home now. It's past midnight. You can sleep here, we'll have breakfast. Yes._**

It was while we were locked in our hug that the three men emerged from the school, Opie made his way over to us and Jax headed toward Gemma, stopping briefly to grab Bobby on the way. When he got to Gemma she looked pissed. We couldn't hear any of what she was saying to Jax, but body language said it all. Then it was like Jax could sense Josh's eyes on him, he turned toward the booth. And then back to Gemma. Opie joined us and shook his head as he saw us watching the scene between Gemma and Jax.

"The shit's gonna hit the fan over this." Opie said more to himself watching the mother and son.

"Why?" I asked. Clearly he knew what was going on. I noticed he looked a little beat up. Donna didn't say anything. Maybe she was used to it. I bit my tongue not to say anything.

"Jax and the guys need to go help Clay out with something. That means the Gemma will be down man power. And you know what she is like when she doesn't get her way." Opie looked like he calculating something in his head. Then without looking at us he said "Who's the guy with Hale?"

"How do you do that?" Donna asked, clearly this was not the first time Opie had done something like this to her.

"Really babe, you should know by now. I learned quick to watch my back so that I could get home to you and the kids. I notice way more than you realize. Besides, he has been eyeballing Tara since she got here. And just gave Jax the stink eye as he walked over to Gemma. Clearly he is someone. So just tell me. Because you know that I will find out. " Opie began watching the kids.

"Tara, you should tell him." Donna said grabbing my hand. "If you don't I will. I don't want to see either you or Jackson Grace hurt." This part of the statement got Opie's full attention.

I sighed and then laid it all out for Opie, Donna holding my hand the whole time, like we hadn't gone ten years without each other's friendship. Opie listened, silent just like his father had been. But unlike Piney I saw something in his eyes that made me nervous. Something menacing. Donna must have seen it too.

"Harry Winston, you better listen to me. Don't you go running your mouth to Jackson Teller, or his mother. And stay away from that fed. You let Tara handle things with Jax. I mean it. If you do something that gets you sent away for good, I will kill you myself." Donna poked him in the chest with her finger. The look in his eyes seemed to lessen, but then he looked me straight in the eye.

"You better tell Jax, and soon. I won't keep a secret like this from him. He's my best friend, and if that asshole threatens the safety of my best friend's family I won't stand by and just watch." He turned his attention to Donna, "Jax would say the exact same thing if it was the other way around. I gotta get these fireworks ready before Gemma comes after me." And with that Opie started to move away from us.

I couldn't help it when I added half under my breath. "There used to be a time when you counted me among your best friends, not just Jax's tag along." I regretted my words as soon as they were out of my mouth. Opie stopped and turned to look down at Donna and I.

"I have never considered you a tag along. He has always been my best friend. There was a time when I counted you as family. But you are the one who up and left without a word. Jax mourned a broken heart over a girlfriend. I mourned the loss of a sibling." He turned from us and stalked off. Donna assured me that watching the fireworks explode later would make him feel better, and that she felt he had been waiting quite a while to let me have it about taking off like that ten years ago.

"He really did miss you. Give him time. And above all else, stick around." Donna patted my knee.

We sat for a while just taking in everything around us. At one point Josh disappeared and I felt myself relax. I bought some raffle tickets from Luann Delaney, Gemma's best friend.

"Thanks doc. Good luck." She smiled as I handed a couple of tickets to Donna.

The girls came over to the picnic table we were sitting at as the sun was creeping lower in the sky.

"Can we get something to eat please?" Ellie and Grace asked. Donna made a face, and it was clear that she didn't have money on her for this. I had to play it off that I had bought too many raffle tickets and needed her to help me keep with them.

"Hey Donna, you and Op took care of Grace last night. How about I take care of dinner for us tonight? Make it fair. I mean I really owe you. You girls go find out what Kenny wants and then come back so we can get it."

It didn't take the girls long to find Kenny and then drag him back to where we were. I took the kids and under their advisement ordered for the Winston family and Grace and I. Together we brought everything over to where Opie was putting the finishing touches on the fireworks set up.

"I come baring a peace offering of sausage, onion rings, and fried dough." I held out the to-go containers that held the food. He looked at it, a bit unsure what to make of this. "It isn't a bomb, just dinner." Opie took it and sighed.

"Look, no matter what, be careful. We just got you back. I'm not up for you up and disappearing again. And you can't separate a Teller and a Winston once they have bonded. Just keep that in mind." He said and gestured toward the girls.

"I wouldn't dream of it." I said with a smile. "And just so you know, I missed you everyday too."

**_You are my greatest gift. I don't know how I'd live. You are my saving grace. You are my heart my true friend. _**


	14. Tell Her This

**_Tell Her This_**

* * *

Author Note: I had a reader ask how Tara said Jac's name, it is 'Jack'. I had tossed around using a more feminine version of Jax's name. Jaclyn didn't sit well with me because when the story was playing out in my head I couldn't hear her adding the "ie". I envisioned Tara feeling that once she had left that she would not end up back in Charming so she would give the baby a name that would keep that tie to Jax with her.

* * *

**_Tell her not to go. I ain't holding on no more. Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time. _**

The weekend went well. Opie was right, Jac and Ellie clearly had bonded. I also hadn't heard anything further from Josh. Maybe he was just here on business and was leaving me alone. Jax showed up at the house after Jac and I left the fireworks display. Jac was so exhausted from being with Ellie and staying up to watch the band play and the fireworks that she crashed by the time we got home. Jax was sitting on the stoop when I pulled into the driveway. He seemed like something was bothering him.

"Hey." I said as I opened the car door.

"Hey." He responded as he hopped up and started toward the car.

"I hate to disappoint you, but your girl totally crashed out on the way home from the fireworks at your mom's event. " I had figured he was looking to spend some time with Grace since he hadn't been able to during the Taste of Charming event.

"That's okay darlin', and she is _our_ girl besides why can't I be here to see her mom?" He said it with some conviction. It was a nice thought. That he wanted to see me. But it was thoughts like that which caused the whole teenage debacle resulting in the little girl that Jax was now carrying into the house.

Jac groaned a little as Jax shifted her in his arms. "Is that you? You didn't say hi today."

"Hey darlin'." Jax smiled at her though she had barely opened an eye.

"You call mom darlin' too. Is that cause you like her?" She sounded so much like the child she truly was, I hated when she felt the need to be more grown up because of all that we had been through together on our own.

**_Tell her not to cry. I just got scared, that's all. Tell her I'll be by her side, all she had to do is call. _**

He carried her to her room and was setting on her bed as I pulled back the covers for her. "Yeah, I like her kiddo. I always have. " He responded to her, as he pulled the blanket up and around her.

"Love you dad." She said at just above a whisper. Jax froze where he was mid tuck and I was awestruck. It was the first time she had called him anything other than Jax and to put the L word on top of it. I waited for the freak out moment that happens with guys when a girl tells them that they love them and they don't feel the same, or even if they do not knowing how to handle such a major statement. But I wasn't prepared for his response.

"I love you too Jackson Grace." And then he leaned over and placed a kiss on her head. She sighed as she fell deeper into a relaxed sleep with a small smile on her face. I had moved toward the door during the course of the events that had unfolded in the room and Jax turned to look at me.

"It's all that darlin', sweet talk. You charmed her. Poor kid never stood a chance against you Jackson Teller." I figured keeping it light was the best. He shrugged but there was something in his eyes that told me her statement meant more than he was letting on. He started toward the door so I turned to walk out ahead of him, but as I did he grabbed my hand and pulled me to turn and face him.

"What about you?" He asked, there it was in his eyes again.

"What about me?" I asked. What was he looking for me to say?

"What's it take to charm you?" He asked with that half grin that used to make we weak in the knees as a teenager. It still did, but I couldn't afford to go there with him now. Not with Grace. I wouldn't put her through the damage that happens when relationships fall apart. Especially now that it seemed like the two of them were developing an honest father-daughter bond.

"I'm not charm-able any more. Too much time with a Teller has caused me to develop a tough skin to avoid caving. " I needed to get space between us, because I was too conscious of him. He smirked again.

"Yeah, she does have that charm too huh? I noticed it with the guys. Chibs and Half Sack think she is pretty amazing. Even Tig caters to her when she is around. I seem to recall a time when you didn't use to be quite so immune. " He looked me in the eye and gave that smirk that made me go a little off balance.

**_Tell her the chips are down. I drank too much and shouted it aloud. Tell her something in my heart, needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd. _**

I had to coach myself mentally to get it together. Change the subject, change the subject. "So did you get to see Abel at all today? He seems to be doing much better. Wendy too. She should be headed to the rehab facility in the morning." I looked away from him to avoid his eyes. He wasn't buying however, stepping closer to me.

"You are a bad liar, you know that right? It is written all over you." Jax said leaning in so close to my ear that I could feel his warm breath. And when I felt my resolve start to fade, could feel my breathing quicken and my arms wanting to go against my brain's will, that is when Jax stepped back and let go of my wrist and hand where he had been holding me. I looked into his eyes and saw looming there something not mischievous like his statements had sounded. It wasn't lust like when we were children, it was more than that. It frightened me and turned me on at the same time. It reminded me that he wasn't some teenage boy, he was a man who had learned to use what he had to get what he wanted. It told me I was screwed if I wasn't careful. I blinked and then it was gone.

"Come on friend, you gave me the 15 minute down and dirty on things from when you were gone. I could use some mental distraction after my evening." He turned me to walk down the hallway and to the living room. The way he said friend made me think he was going through the same battle I was. It wasn't a sincere title, but it was going to be the best we could do at this time.

"Alright. You want something to drink while we have this little 'what have you been up to' talk, friend?" I asked separating from him to head to the kitchen while he flopped on the couch taking up the whole thing.

"Yeah, I could use one. But I will take whatever you have instead." He sounded like something was on his mind. I wondered if it was what he had been worrying about when we first pulled up while he was sitting on the stoop. I grabbed two beers from the fridge, I had picked them up after the first time Jax had come for an impromptu dinner with Jac and I. I handed him a bottle and headed to sit on one of the chairs I had arranged in the room. One of the benefits to my stressing about Josh being around had been my in ability to sleep much so I had gotten a lot of cleaning done.

"Here. You want to talk about it? It is pretty clear that something is on your mind. And you are a bad liar too, so don't bother trying any of that 'I don't know what you are talking about darlin' stuff with me. I know you Jackson Teller, ten years doesn't change that." I said sitting down.

**_Tell her what was wrong. I sometimes think too much. But say nothing at all. Tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall. _**

"You really gonna ask me to talk about the shit in my head like a shrink but sit that far away? Good thing you are a surgeon and not a psychologist doc." He joked as he shifted and took a sip of his beer. I got up and moved to the spot on the opposite side of the couch tucking my feet underneath me. He smirked at me, pleased that he had gotten his way.

"Alright Teller, spill it." I drank down the beer while waiting for him.

"It's nothing really. Just some guy that was at mom's event today. He was at the hospital when I was with the kid. I was reading," He paused because I choked on my beer, I knew he meant Josh, but I didn't realize he had actually approached Jax, "Are you laughing at the fact that I was reading to him?"

I shook my head. "No, not at all. So what was with the guy?"

"He was watching me. I got up and went out to where he was and asked if I could help him. He commented on Abel being a beautiful boy and then just walked away when I thanked him. It was weird and then I saw him at A Taste of Charming and mom commented that he was a Fed. I guess Unser has seen him around the department, David Hale's new best friend. He's here to look into the club. He's digging up dirt that ain't there. I don't know. Since Abel was born my world has gone sideways. Then factor in you and Jackson Grace, and things that used to matter seem to be less important. Jesus, I sound like my old man." He took a swig of his beer.

"Jax, you know as your friend I'm here for you. As a member of Abel's medical team I can have security on alert. And you are a father now, so I mean it changes things. In ways you can't ever plan for. Trust me. " I felt the need to protect them both from Josh. Part of me knew telling him right now was going to push him over the edge. I also knew that I was going to have to tell him, and soon.

Jax sat up and pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. "You remember that night when we were kids. You said you were still here, that you had never left me."

"Yeah, I seem to recall you told me you planned to marry me too." I snarked back at him. He was still playing with a strand of my hair. I found myself worrying about where his mind was.

"I never went back on that, I still have a life time to follow through on it. You on the other hand did leave." That look was back in his eyes.

"Where is this coming from Jax?"

"I told you, my world has gone sideways. There is only one other time I felt this lost over things." He went from playing with the strand of hair to resting his palm on my cheek. Unconsciously I leaned into his touch.

**_Tell her not to go. I ain't holding on no more. Tell her nothing if not this: all I want to do is kiss her. _**

"Friends remember Jax. I didn't come here to force a family on you. Or to rekindle what we had when we were kids. Because quite simply Jackson Teller, we aren't the same people were back then. " I was trying not to get annoyed.

"Okay doc. Whatever you say. I think you should however know that I'd still marry you like I planned all those years ago. You are the only one who ever truly got me. " His demeanor changed. The intensity was gone and back was the playful guy that was my friend. He finished his beer and stood up pulling me up with him.

I hugged him good bye as he left, walking off into the distance. I watched until he was halfway down the street, I couldn't see him anymore and as I started to back into the house I was sure I saw another figure standing on the opposite side of the street. I couldn't make it out exact, but I was sure it was Josh. I backed into the house and closed and locked the door. I checked the back door, and the door that led to the garage to make sure that both were locked up as well. As I made my rounds with in the house I checked all the windows as well.

I went into the room that was mine now, and straight to the closet. Reaching for the shoebox on the top shelf that dad always assumed I didn't know was there. Opening it I found the revolver that Jax taught me to shoot when we were teenagers. I had found it in a drawer and after mentioning it to him, Jax got concerned for my safety. What if something happened with my dad, or people he possibly owed money to, or got into fights with at the bar. Jax felt it was better that I be aware and able to protect myself when he wasn't around. I was thankful for it now. Pulling the gun and checking to see if it was loaded . I carried it gently to the bed and sat down. I didn't want it out for Jac to find but I needed it somewhere I could get to it. I set it in the drawer of the night stand. And prayed I wouldn't need it. Come the morning I would have to tell Jax, there was no getting around it now. He was forcing my hand.

* * *

Walking away from Tara's house was almost too much. I was tempted to turn around. Friends. Jesus I couldn't be her friend. She was the mother of my child, she was the one I had wanted to marry not Wendy. She had been my everything, and deep down she still was. She had saved my newborn son and looked after him almost daily since he was born. She let me do things at my pace with Jackson Grace, who much like her mother had taken up residency in my heart without bothering to ask how I had felt about it. And it was too late, I loved her. She was an amazing kid. The majority of the time at the Taste of Charming event I had kept an eye on my girls. Tara had been deep in conversation with Donna, something she needed, and Jackson Grace had been deep in conversation with Ellie. Opie thought it was funny that things seemed to be going full circle, a Teller and a Winston glued at the hip.

I wasn't kidding when I told her I'd still marry her. While I walked I noticed him, that AFT agent. I had avoided riding my bike here only because after dealing with club shit I needed to clear my head. Usually a long ride would do it, but tonight I needed to see Tara. And when Jackson Grace told me she loved me and called me dad, it was like my world completely shifted. Suddenly dealing with Clay's gun crisis seemed so unimportant. What was important was there in the Knowles house. I wanted to walk right up to the ATF agent and tell him to back off, not to follow me to the home of someone who didn't have a part in the club. But then I thought about it, there was nothing indicating that I had been there, and he wasn't there when I first arrived and was waiting for them, so when did he get here and how did he know I was there?

I felt a sudden need to protect Tara and Jackson Grace, as much as Abel they were my family.

**_Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time. _**


	15. Wanted

**_Wanted_**

**_You know I'd fall apart without you. I don't know how you do what you do. Cause everything that don't make sense about me, makes sense when I'm with you. _**

There had been no sign or word from Josh for a couple of days, and Jax had been with the club a lot more. He didn't talk about it, and I didn't ask. I spend most of my time worrying about when Josh would appear. I kept the revolver with me, either in my nightstand or in my bag when were out. Today I decided to chance driving dad's Cutlass which had been parked in the garage and buried under two feet of newspaper. While Jac was at school I drove it to Teller-Morrow to have it looked at and make sure there weren't any hidden problems. I was a little surprised to see Jax when I pulled in.

"Everything okay?" He looked concerned and then he seemed to realize that I wasn't in my car.

"I was hoping you could help with the Cutlass. It's in pretty sad shape." His eyes widened as he took in the old car that had been my dad's and my means of transportation when I wasn't attached to the back of his motorcycle.

"Shit! This is your dad's right?" I could have swore I saw that teenage light in his eyes, remembering our numerous make out seasons in this car. He grinned at me, and I was sure he was thinking about exactly that.

**_Like everything that's green girl, I need you. But it;s more than one and one makes two. Put aside the math and logic of it. You gotta know you're wanted too._**

"It was in the garage under two tons of old newspapers." Jax laughed, he understood the pack rat my father had become after my mom died.

"Why don't you bring it in back. " He turned to the young kid I had met at dinner named Kip "Have Lowell take a look at it."

"Okay." The kid nodded and I handed him the keys to the car. He got in the car and moved it around to where one of the mechanics was. I recognized him from being there when he was younger learning the ropes like Jax. But he had never joined the club, his father had been a mechanic here as well when we were kids.

"Thanks. Um, I was hoping you could give me a lift home." I asked, knowing I needed to talk to him alone about Josh.

"Actually, I'm heading out for a couple of days." Jax looked like he was off somewhere, I didn't want to pry but the thought of Josh being around put me on edge. And he looked like he was regretting it.

"Anything comes up with Abel, who should I call?" I asked, stalling a little.

"He's out of the woods right?" His concern was back.

"Just in case of procedural stuff. I mean if you are going on a run and anything should come up. " Crap, I am a shit liar, I knew he could tell something was up.

"Just let my mom know if you need anything." And as if on cue Gemma came out of office to see what was going on.

"Everything okay?" Gemma asked, since I clearly wasn't expected at TM.

"Yeah, fine." I said. Despite her welcome with the dinner things with Gemma and I would always be tense.

"She's just here to get her car fixed." Jax seemed to sense the tension, "Could you give Tara a ride home? She's got to leave the Cutlass here. "

"That's okay. I'll just..." I was about to tell him I could call Donna or one of the girls from the hospital to pick me up when Gemma gave a smile.

**_Cause I wanna wrap you up. Wanna kiss your lips, I wanna make you feel wanted. And I wanna call you mine. Wanna call you mine. Wanna hold your hand forever, and never let you forget it. Yeah, I, I wanna make you feel wanted. _**

"I'd love to give the good doctor a lift." She said with half hearted sincerity, "Where are you going?"

"Visit Uncle Jury, Bobby's coming with me." He could see her worry switch to his safety. "Relax ma, it's going to be fine. We are just checking in and then we'll be back. Kind of left him in the lurch when we were there last week. "

As he finished his statement I thought about the picture that Josh had sent me. I should know better than to think at any point he was considering me as a choice again. Friends damn it, you are better off as friends. We walked over to Gemma's car and I set my bag in the passenger seat and Jax leaned in and kissed the top of my head. I wasn't expecting it, and it looked like neither was Gemma. Jax turned and walked to his bike, put his helmet on and rode away.

Lowell came walking over to me with a clip board. "Hey doc, got to sign these." I signed and he thanked me. As I turned back to get in the car my bag looked out of place.

" Lowell, my back tire needs air." She from inside the car as he walked toward the garage. I got into the car and Gemma started toward the house. We made small talk about Jac and I being in the house, and how dad had been a packrat. It was after she joked about hating clutter that she asked about the gun.

"Want to tell me why you're carrying?" I looked at her confused " The gun in your bag."

"You went through my bag?" I knew it looked out of place from how I had set it.

"I spotted it. I'm very observant." She said smuggly.

"I started carrying it when we were in Chicago. We lived in a rough neighborhood. Haven't gotten around to getting rid of it yet." I figured it was a good enough reason, and fairly believable.

"Beretta's not an old tampon. You don't just forget it is in your bag. Is it registered?" She was serious, and I knew she could see past the BS I was trying to feed her.

"I have a permit. It's legal." Oh man she was so going straight to Jax over this I could already tell.

"You know how to use it?" She asked. I was half tempted to tell her that Jax had taught me how but chose not to.

"Yeah. I do." Best to leave it simple. At least I hoped it was. We pulled into the driveway and I climbed out. I thanked her for the ride and she told me she'd be in touch about the Cutlass. I went inside and prepared to head to the hospital for my shift.

I knew I was screwed. Gemma wouldn't just let this lay. She'll snoop and dig until she knows everything she feels she needs to know. Then she will tell Jax. I should have just told him when he was here. There was no getting around it, the next time I saw Jax, I was going to have to tell him everything about Josh. For now, I needed to through myself into my work, spend time around Abel to help me find the peace I would need to talk to Jax about all of this. And that is just what I did for the next twelve hours.

The next morning after I got Jac on the bus there was a knock at the door. My stomach lurched, of the few people it could have been at the door Gemma was not the one I was expecting. The Cutlass was in the driveway and a TM truck was idling at the end of the driveway.

"Hi." I said as I opened the door to her.

"Car's ready. Figured you need it for work, since I didn't see the other car." She let herself into the house.

"Yeah. You drove it here?" I was a bit surprised, I had expected a call about it being done, not her showing up with it.

"I'm thinking, me and you got off to a bad start. It's my way of saying sorry." She stopped part way into the living room.

"That was nice of you." I said, hoping she would hand over the keys and leave. How wrong I was. She picked up a picture of my parents.

"Your dad was real handsome. Kinda nuts, but cute." She said and put the picture frame down.

"Yeah. Why are you here Gemma?" I asked because I just wasn't sure anymore.

"Your car." She turned to look at me and I knew it wasn't the only reason, and definitely not the real reason.

"Yeah, the good Samaritan bit's not really playing. What do you want?" I asked knowing full well there was a motive here.

"You used to think Charming was incestuous, backward, and small minded. It's pretty much an exact quote. I don't forget. You leave Chicago to come back to this: shit-filled house, mediocre gig at a community hospital?" She definitely knew something was up.

"Needed to tie up family business. You know the little girl that you were so insistent not be raised by strangers." I didn't like where she was going with this.

**_Anyone can tell you you're pretty, yeah. And you get that all the time, I know you do. But your beauty's deeper than the make-up, and I wanna show you what I see tonight. _**

"People don't up-end their lives to pack up a dead relative's house. I'm not sure why you're carrying a gun, but if you're gonna use one, make sure to be safe. No serial numbers." And with that she pulled out a small hand gun and passed it to me. And with that she walked to the front door and then left. I looked at the gun in my hand, sighed and then put it in my bag. I was due to the hospital so I finished getting what I needed and drove the Cutlass.

It was going to be a long day, could feel it. I felt like was I on auto pilot. It was three hours into my shift before I was headed to the NICU area to check on Abel. He had been doing well and not in need of as much attention. As I approached I saw someone standing in the room looking at Abel, and it wasn't Jax. I rushed to the door. Worried and sick that he had done something to Abel.

"What are you doing in here?" I was pissed that he was here, Abel was off limits to his man. I was seething and needed to protect this small child.

"I was curious." He said still standing by Abel.

"This incubation chamber is for medical personnel and family only." I suddenly didn't care who the hell he was. I would not back down this time.

"It still hurts me." He approached me, and as much as he made my skin crawl I refused to let him see it. I knew he meant the abortion I had. How he knew about it was beyond me. But I still stood by my decision not to carry his child. "Be at Samcro in 45 minutes if you want to see his future. And yours, too, maybe. With that he walked out. I checked on Abel, and made sure he was unharmed. I went to the nurse's desk and called security. I gave them a description and requested that someone be posted for his safety. Checking my watch I had about ten minutes to get TM and see what Josh was up to. I told the nurses I would be back shortly. And headed out. My gut told me what I would see, a raid and that is just what was going on. From what I could see driving by Jax and the other guys were on the ground and it appeared that they were laughing. The officers didn't seem to be finding what they were looking for. This must not be going the way Josh wanted. There was not denying it. I would have to talk to Jax right away. I headed back to the hospital, unsure of what I was feeling.

It was several hours later that I was headed back up from checking on Jac when I ran into Jax on his way to see Abel.

"Hey, you okay?" I asked, unsure as to what had actually happened, and wondering if Josh had made things worse with not finding whatever they were looking for.

"Yeah. Why?" He asked.

"I was going past the club house. I saw all the cops." I could feel the bile rising. I hated that Josh caused all of this.

**_When I wrap you up, when I kiss your lips. I wanna make you feel wanted. And I wanna call you mine. Wanna hold your hand forever. And never let you forget it. Cause, baby, I, I wanna make you feel wanted. _**

"That was a bunch of bullshit. We got this ATF agent harassing us. Following me. Remember I said he showed up here while I was reading to Abel. The

guy's nuts. He's looking for dirt that doesn't exist. " He spoke sure that it was all club related. The bile rose further.

"I'm, I'm just finishing up my rounds. Do you mind stopping by the house tonight?" I saw a look of concern come across Jax's face.

"Sure. What's going on?" It was in his voice as well.

"Shitty day. My nerves are kind of shot." I couldn't tell him here. At the house would be better.

"Well, I'll be with the kid. If you need me to drive you and Jackson Grace home, just let me know. I'll have one of the guys come get my bike." He said, the concern clear. I couldn't put this off. Jax had to know, and it had to come from me.

"Thanks." I gave him a weak smile. He headed off toward the NICU and I went to finish the last of my rounds and check in with the doctor that would be coming in for the next shift.

Half an hour later I found Jac sitting and talking to Jax about school both looking in on Abel as if he was a part of the conversation too. I opened the door and asked if Jac was ready to go. I didn't want to force Jax to leave, especially if he had used his time with Abel to go down and get Jac.

"Come on darlin' let's get your mom home, she looks like it has been a rough one." Jax said and then he placed a hand on the incubator and spoke to Abel. "I'll see you later little man."

As we walked out he nodded at the security guard sitting in a chair across from the NICU. It appeared my concern about Josh to the head of security was taken seriously.

Jax took the keys to the Cutlass, and drove the three of us to my house. I found myself worrying and on edge. Once we got to the house, I realized it was better that he had driven because I wouldn't have been able to focus.

"I appreciate the lift." I managed to say as we got out of the car.

"No problem." He paused "This worry I'm getting here. Does it have anything to do with that car that's been following us? The compact parked halfway down the block?"

I froze, and Jac looked at me and then knowing the routine she headed to the door without looking down the street and took her key from her book bag and went straight into the house. I was fidgeting in my bag for the mace and to check for the gun Gemma had given me.

"What the hell's going on?" Jax asked. Oh damn not how I wanted to do this.

"That ATF agent that's been looking into you guys. I think he's here for me." My voice shook as I spoke.

"What are you talking about?" He sounded worried and angry, not a mix I was feeling all too comfortable with.

"I was with him in Chicago. It got violent. I tried to end it. He started stalking me." I was fighting back the tears and I saw the rage cross his face.

"Don't" He spit out, I don't know if he meant for me to stop talking, or make any excuses. All I know is I saw him go into an odd protective mode.

"He's dangerous." I began to tell him but Jax was fired up.

"Go inside Tara. Lock the door. I'll be back." He turned and stalked off.

* * *

I was enraged. I knew Tara would have been with other people while she was gone but to hear that a relationship had been violent. The thought that my daughter could have been witness to it, or hurt by it was what through me over the edge. I knew that I still cared for Tara, but to have this guy using me to get to her, it ended now. I pulled out my K-bar as I approached the silver compact I had watching in the review follow us from the hospital parking garage. I made eye contact with the driver who clearly was the same guy who had been at the hospital, and standing outside of Tara's house the other night. I plunged the knife deep into the front end of the car. I used all my rage imagining it was this man I was now pulling my knife from.

"Vandalism, deadly weapon. That's six months in County, asshole." The ATF agent said getting out of the car. I wanted to laugh, six months, was that supposed to scare me?

"Violating a restraining order. You'll be in the cell next to me. They teach you to suck a dick in ATF school?" I asked, already knowing I would contact Unser as soon as I was done with this guy.

"Badass biker." Was his snide comment. Seriously, that was the best this guy had. That was worse than his failed raid on us.

"You guys gave it your best shot. You got nothing on Samcro. And you harassing Tara, that ends here. Or next time it won't be your piece of shit car I'm draining fluid from." I stared him down, getting a sense of the damage I could do if need be.

"You threatening a federal agent?" He asked with a little laugh.

"I'm threatening you. Go away. It's my last warning. " I said backing away. I refused to turn my back to him until I was far enough way. I called the main line to Charming PD while I went into the house to check on my girls.

"You'd better reign in your ATF boyfriend." I said as soon as David Hale got on the phone.

"Agent Kohn isn't on my payroll. I don't keep tabs." He sounded like he didn't want to be bothered. But what Hale didn't get was that this guy had messed with not just my club or my business but my family. And family was off limits, even rival MCs understood that code.

"Well maybe you should. He's not here for Samcro, Hale. He's here for Tara." I was seething and glad I wasn't at the PD because I might take my anger out on him physically.

"What the hell are you talking about?" He asked.

"This guy was stalking her in Chicago. Thinks she came back to Charming to be with me. I'm telling you: this guy is nuts and he's going to hurt her." I wandered the house looking for my girls. I made sure that Tara could hear my voice, so she knew it was me and not him.

"Jesus. That's who she had the restraining order against." Understanding in his voice. It pissed me off more.

"You knew?" Why did he know about her restraining order? I turned to look at Tara standing her room. Someone on the other end called Hale's name. He responded to them.

"Kohn is my problem. I will handle it." He had gone into cop mode from the sounds of it.

"You better, man, or I'm gonna." I said and then hung up. The sun was going down and Tara looking worse than before.

**_As good as you make me feel, I wanna make you feel better. Better than your fairy tales. Better than your best dreams. You're more than everything I need. You're all I ever wanted. All I ever wanted. _**

I approached her and she began to cry. I put my arms around her and kissed the top of her head. Once she had settled down enough attempted to talk to her.

"Where is Jackson Grace?" I needed to know our daughter was okay.

"I told her should he ever show up here to lock herself in the bathroom, it's window is close to Piney's that way she could get to him and from there get to you. " She took a deep breath.

"I'll be right back. Stay here." I told her and she listened. I went to the bathroom door, and called out to her. " Hey darlin' it's me. He's gone. You can come out. You did a good job just like your mom taught you. Come on Jackson Grace. Open the door and let me see that you are okay." she did , but she looked worried. In that moment, I saw my nine year old and not the mini adult she played at being. I hugged her and told her to go rest in her room. She looked exhausted. She nodded, and went to her room.

I headed back into Tara's room. I sat down next to here. "Hey, doc. I think it is time you tell me whatever it was that caused you to run from this guy. "

She stopped crying and looked at me. Then she told me, everything. And I wanted to murder then man. But she grabbed my hand.

**_And I just wanna wrap you up. Wanna kiss your lips. I wanna make you feel wanted. And I wanna call you mine. Wanna hold your hand forever, and never let you forget it. Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted. Baby, I wanna make you feel wanted. _**

"I'm sorry Jax." I don't know what upset me more, the shit she had gone through because of him, or that she was apologizing for it. I felt like I should have been apologizing. If I hadn't sent her running ten years ago she wouldn't have met him. I wanted to make it better for her. I wanted to take the hurt and sadness away. I knew deep down, I still loved her. I always would. And friends would never be enough.

**_You'll always be wanted. _**


End file.
